Thursday, April 18, 2013

Am i mistaken for my smile also now?

Pic Source : Google
Problems in life have not been a new thing for me and like everyone me also have to undergo a series of it, all these years. The only thing is that i was not able to manage it with a strong heart since i used to get broken down even with a slightest push. The strongest decisions and visions of my life remained just in words and when comes to relations i used to fall deep down so miserably and i have been always hungry like a small baby itself craving for unconditional love.

I know that in a practical world like today, a person like me is literally a dumb if i start thinking like this and really have no space to live among others. Still i manage to survive here with a vague wish that i will be able to find a world around me in the way i wish, with only the people i care and love. The fact is that, it remained as a virtual world itself inside me, which was never gonna practical and the only way to get it done is by changing my life itself, in other words faking it out.

Pic Source : Google
Faking an entire life itself, was not an easy thing since in time i have been loosing myself in the process of becoming the person what i am not really. But it was also interesting that the goal of that fake life was so simple. Just to forget all the tensions and spread happiness and smile. As a nonstop talker, things was so easy for me since i don't even find hiccup in starting conversation with even a total stranger. The new way of life gave me an interesting label and more like an award itself among the people i interact as the most entertaining person itself. To say frankly i have fallen in love with my fake life a lot that i have started living through it the entire day. The sadness and confused thoughts which used to live within me got concealed in myself and never did i allow anyone to open it. Yeah, i started finding happiness in making others smile and smiling at myself too. I was just trying to make this short lived feeling get stretched in to my entire life itself so that i can carry on like this forever. Truly i was following my heart more than what my brain was telling that time. 

Pic Source : Google

But least did i even imagine in my dreams that i will be pushed aside even by the people who knows me very well because of the change happened in my life that they will take it for granted that my life is ultra cool and i have even forgot thinking about them or their life. My craziness behavior have left them thinking that i have even stopped bothering about the problems they were going through their life. Least they try to understand the fact that under this funny mask, i am carrying a bundle of sadness which i have decided in prior that i will never ever share it with anyone other than myself. Good or bad i was ready to be the reason for what i become in time.

Pic Source : Google
I am now standing devastated in the middle of this big world as a big clown who is ought to smile only because i have enjoyed doing it regardless of time and now there is no going back to since there is no life there too. Also i am so tired of sharing whats really going inside my mind since it will help to increase pain only and also make others too sad which i certainly don't wish to do. I have stopped thinking about whats real and virtual now and all i wish is to live each and everyday with a feeling to carry on myself. .

Me only

You may call me looser, but now i am in a state that i cant differentiate whats winning from loosing. But i love what i am doing now by creating a virtual world around me. I have been true to myself all the time while writing this blog. Because now this is the only place where i am seeing myself at-least for a while. . .And back in the life out there as the craziest man in my fake life, i don't see it as fake anymore , because it have also become my life itself now, more like the only life for me now which i am falling in love as days passes. . . .

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