Breathing memories every moment. . . .

I would be faking if I say that I am ok, I am happy etc, but what's more confusing is that I cant recognize whether I am in pain or unhappy. I am in a state of mind driven by thoughts and memories that I can hardly distinguish between virtual world and reality.

 

Pic Courtesy : Google

As the very first letter of your name gives me a startle from within even now, there is nothing more left to explain how much I'm adoring you even now from inside though I'm not explicitly showing it. It may be my strong feeling or decision which have paved me to build a state of mind like this knowingly or unknowingly.

Pic Courtesy : Google

Your name carved on my hand  reminds me every  moment, the purity of love we shared those days and how much our life were meant for each other. A mere touch over it gives me a startle feeling inside now also, as if I am touching you itself.

It will be there, now and forever not for being showcased, but as a sweet memento of a wonderful time, a beautiful feeling to make me assure the presence of divine love in my life. . . those days when I felt that I am  actually alive. . . .

When you are Lost. . . .

Pic Source : Google

"People changes with time" , it's a saying we hear often and few people would have even seen that personally in their life. It's more like a usual thing happening in different stages of life and people are least bothered about it these days. But there are few people who failed to escape from the shackles of different incidents in their life and gets trapped in their memories forever. . a very handful of people. . .  Like me.

Life is supposed to be a mixture of both happiness and sorrows and it's only the lucky few who gets the blessing to stay happy forever. Others taste the bitter experience and still manage to move on either by cursing the fate or by just hoping that everything will be alright soon. It's been years since i have lost the most precious treasure in my life and I still can't figure out that, am I walking away from it for a new life now or moving more and more deeper inside and getting lost in memories. . .

Pic Source: Google

I too had dreams, may be more bigger than what my little heart can hold on that time and i still didn't let it go. It's said like when come to love, people becomes more childish and their world gets shrunk to their little dream world in which only two of them will be there; the cute little world full of love, where the only thing it matters is their beautiful relation. And one day when the truth hits a hard blow that, their world cease to exist, they fail to accept the reality and try to cling on to their belief that its all just a dream & when you wake up, everything will be alright. . . 

I am tired of hearing the word "Move on" from everyone who knows me, who cares me, But least they understand that finally when i tried doing just like they all wanted, after all these years, i terribly lost the pace & i felt like i am some other person.

Pic Source : Google

I realize that i am getting lost in memories, 

i am realizing that i am living more in past than in my present,

i am realizing that i am getting lost in myself for a life which now exist only in my dream,

But still i feel more secure in being myself left alone in my world than becoming someone i hardly know. . . 

May be i am Lost. . . 

Smile. . . i can see it everywhere and inside me too now

       Its said like few surprises carry a deep effect that it can make you feel totally forget yourself for a while. And if that is something which you have least expected since a long time, the effect it can bring to your mind is truly mesmerizing to such a level that, we fail to express it in words. That's how i felt when i saw her pic after a long time . . a very long time.

     

Pic Source : Google

 A portrait is something which can be grabbed easily with even a mobile camera  in a couple of seconds, but it matters much if the person whom we wish to be near is long lost years before, even before when the camera feature in mobile was considered as a luxury and not reachable to common men. Yeah, i belong to that decade when we were fancying around with Walkman in pockets & analog camera in hands. And being dependent on the family that time, its natural that i couldn't even use it take snaps like i wish & the few ones i managed to take with help of our friends too was lost when we had part years before. .But it has least impact on me since i have never felt the absence of a pic to remember her , because her face is stored deep inside me.

Pic Source : Google

Its really interesting that when i noted the date of the pic, it was shared exactly an year ago before today, in social networking site when she had gone outing with her better half. It was only me who was late to check it as i have stopped searching about her whereabouts long before itself to keep my promise to her family that i will never disturb her nor her life. Its so beautiful to know that their family have grown with the blessings of almighty and is blessed with a little kid too. The smile in their faces shows how much gifted their life is and i feel so happy inside that finally all the pains i have gone through these years after the breakup have not been in vain. Because i may not have been able to provide a stable and lovely life she is enjoying now, by mind , by health and everything. . .

  Life is truly interesting and it makes me smile when i think of each and every beautiful moments i have been through, the smiles i have shared with my lost love when she was around me & the smile which is filling my face when i see her pic on screen now. . .

Pic Source : Google

And now also i don't have to keep her pic, as her face is already inside my heart as the most beautiful portrait i have drawn . . and her name imprint on my hand still hold as the most beautiful art  i cherish every moment i see it, as the living memory of the most beautiful time in my life . . .    

Keep smiling. . .

   

  

Am i mistaken for my smile also now?

Pic Source : Google

Problems in life have not been a new thing for me and like everyone me also have to undergo a series of it, all these years. The only thing is that i was not able to manage it with a strong heart since i used to get broken down even with a slightest push. The strongest decisions and visions of my life remained just in words and when comes to relations i used to fall deep down so miserably and i have been always hungry like a small baby itself craving for unconditional love.

I know that in a practical world like today, a person like me is literally a dumb if i start thinking like this and really have no space to live among others. Still i manage to survive here with a vague wish that i will be able to find a world around me in the way i wish, with only the people i care and love. The fact is that, it remained as a virtual world itself inside me, which was never gonna practical and the only way to get it done is by changing my life itself, in other words faking it out.

Pic Source : Google

Faking an entire life itself, was not an easy thing since in time i have been loosing myself in the process of becoming the person what i am not really. But it was also interesting that the goal of that fake life was so simple. Just to forget all the tensions and spread happiness and smile. As a nonstop talker, things was so easy for me since i don't even find hiccup in starting conversation with even a total stranger. The new way of life gave me an interesting label and more like an award itself among the people i interact as the most entertaining person itself. To say frankly i have fallen in love with my fake life a lot that i have started living through it the entire day. The sadness and confused thoughts which used to live within me got concealed in myself and never did i allow anyone to open it. Yeah, i started finding happiness in making others smile and smiling at myself too. I was just trying to make this short lived feeling get stretched in to my entire life itself so that i can carry on like this forever. Truly i was following my heart more than what my brain was telling that time. 

Pic Source : Google

But least did i even imagine in my dreams that i will be pushed aside even by the people who knows me very well because of the change happened in my life that they will take it for granted that my life is ultra cool and i have even forgot thinking about them or their life. My craziness behavior have left them thinking that i have even stopped bothering about the problems they were going through their life. Least they try to understand the fact that under this funny mask, i am carrying a bundle of sadness which i have decided in prior that i will never ever share it with anyone other than myself. Good or bad i was ready to be the reason for what i become in time.

Pic Source : Google

I am now standing devastated in the middle of this big world as a big clown who is ought to smile only because i have enjoyed doing it regardless of time and now there is no going back to since there is no life there too. Also i am so tired of sharing whats really going inside my mind since it will help to increase pain only and also make others too sad which i certainly don't wish to do. I have stopped thinking about whats real and virtual now and all i wish is to live each and everyday with a feeling to carry on myself. .

 

Me only

You may call me looser, but now i am in a state that i cant differentiate whats winning from loosing. But i love what i am doing now by creating a virtual world around me. I have been true to myself all the time while writing this blog. Because now this is the only place where i am seeing myself at-least for a while. . .And back in the life out there as the craziest man in my fake life, i don't see it as fake anymore , because it have also become my life itself now, more like the only life for me now which i am falling in love as days passes. . . .

I hide my tears in my smile. . . :~)

Pic Source : Google

Life would be have been so cool if everything happens just in the way we wish. But natures rule is never like that and not a single person have any idea of whats in-stored for  him in future though he is trying hard to fulfill his dreams. I am no super human and all these applies to me also, the only difference is that i have gone through even more weird situations where the destiny have turned myself down twice. . .

Pic Source : Google

Life is pretty hard to live if we have already forgotten how to make it through, since you have lost the love for living it. Its like living in a world, where even minute things matters to others a lot, we will be hardly noticing how our life itself is skipping away from our hands. And the weirdest part of it is that, people who hardly know about what we are going through will simply pass on advises and comments in a humiliating manner too sometimes that we don't even wish to talk with them again. I never carry hatred for any person who have hurted in my life, instead i will simply forget them in such a way that they will slowly fade even from my memories. Its actually a bless in having a memory loss in situations like this that, we don't have to try hard for that also. But certain things which we have valued more than our life itself will stay in our memories regardless of time and its like it would have become a part of our virtual world itself. . . the most painful ones.

Pic Source : Google

A smile which is so naturally and has to happen from inside is what i have been missing these days and still i am managing myself to push through the pace of life though occasionally i feel a lot more down. Its like falling from the cliff of a mountain and there is nothing to support us and nevertheless i wish for it too. The lost of love for my life have made me in to something  or a different person itself which i hardly understand these days. Its not a new thing for me since i have been going through such a scenario for past few years that, living a fake life is not a big thing for me. But when life itself starts playing with our emotions by magically bringing so many persons close to us, make us feel rich with their love and suddenly make them disappear from our life one day, its makes us feel like our destiny is already written and things like this happens repeatedly only to remind us that we have to accept all these pains. . .

Pic Source : Google

It may seems like my arrogant nature or firm decision that i never wish to bring anyone down with my way of approach by sharing my situation of life, but instead i wish to make everyone happy and its the least thing i can do. Ever since my school days and then in to college days i have been known among my buddies as the person who is able to change the entire scene in to a laughter by my usual witty nature of talk. Things didn't change when i start working also after my studies and all these time, i have been so keen to be like the same though the situations in my life changed a lot. Its more or like i am able to hide myself inside with my way of talking and it helped me a lot from the numerous questions which i would otherwise have to answer in time. It has more or less have become a routine itself that i started feeling good about doing things this way.

Pic Source : Google

It may be so surprising for those who knows least about me that behind all those witty way of talk and gestures which i made in time in teasing and pulling others leg for fun and all, there is a painful part of my heart, an unseen portion which is ardently wishing to hide itself from everyone so that no one notices its tears. This heart which have lost everything in its way of life and have only one thing to keep it alive. . by spreading smiles and laughter's and making himself assure that so many people are feeling happy by doing so. In this big world outside filled with hatred and broken promises and unexpected happenings, a lot may be finding so lonely and seeking a small portion of happiness, feeling so down of the current life they may be going through, i will be there to make them smile, to forget their tension atleast for the time being, be one among them, make them laugh and feel like they are not alone in this world and tell them that the world is not that much bad as they have seen it. . .

Pic Source : Google

May be that's why god have blessed me with that kinda dual persona in making me completely two different persons and isolating one from the other such that my sadness will never overshadow the people who trust me, who love me, who wants to be in touch with me and my only purpose is to make them feel rich with my love and care and make them happy and smile no matter where they belong, where they are from or how long will they stays in my life. But one thing is sure, i will never make them sad because of me, but instead i will tease them, poke them, make them smile, like their buddy, like a big brother and sometimes like a mischievous kid. . . Coz that's what i am made for, that's what my purpose is here. . .and that's the only thing i love to do now. For how long i don't know, but its helping me a lot in moving on with my life . And hence giving birth to the ultra crazy nature of mine through a totally different mask!!

i myself, Nocturnal Idiot  signing off to spread more crazy smiles. . . :~) 

Yes - Im Totally Blank

Not everyday is the same and energetic though we wished to and for me also its not different. Some days are like totally blank. . . . a state of vacuum. . . . empty thoughts and absence of any feelings for anyone. . being uninterrupted i may be unaware of how i got in to that state of mind or how many hours or days i have been filled with . Its like i lost myself inside. Its easy to tell that we can get rid of this situation through many ways, but the truth is that we don't wish it to end. . . coz what bothers and troubles are not unwanted things, but the very own thoughts and memories of our dear ones who were once our everything in our life. . . .

Its true that memories are sweet only when the people whom we love are with us and its really painful when they no longer belong to us. There are moments when we truly wish that how cool it would it have been if life has a rewind button so that we can go back to past and make everything alright. But some incidents and happenings are meant to be in the way only in which they have happened now. With due respect we should understand it and keep going like i am trying to do now. . . .though i realize that i feel like falling in time. . . .

I am really wondering whether i have loved my baby, my lost love this much when we were actually in love years before. Coz i am really missing each and every portion of those sweet moments we had when we were together. Though my senses used to tell that it all belongs to past and i have to keep going forgetting everything, my inner mind says don't believe that. .you are just inside a dream. .your world have not been shattered. . . . its just a bad dream and when you wake up everything is going to be normal and you are going to be back with your sweet baby. . . .and the fact is that i wish to believe it in that way only though i know its never gonna happen. . . .

Today my life is proceeding in an unknown direction with no specific destination or goal and i least bother about it also. The idea of falling in love once again or even get married like my family members insist also is not getting inside my head. Though i have a lot of girl friends now i have not felt any one special to be called as my own or even a slight interest to fall in love with any of them. . . .its like when my love life got broke up, i have also forget how to love. . . . with a bunch of buddies near and far i am now experiencing an irony situation of being alone even in their presence coz i cant open my heart fully to any of them. . . .all they know about me and believe is that i am a jovial person full of passion, freaking out and enjoying life to its extent while i am really craving for my true love inside. . . . 

Yes to say true besides the confused thoughts i carry all the time without sharing it with anyone, i'm totally blank!!!

Am i faking out my life ?

Life is not the same anymore and is definitely not like i have expected or dreamed earlier. The beautiful life i have built inside my heart with my loved one, the wonderful world in which only we both loved each other more than anything else is a past thing now. Its just like any other love story which ended in a not so good way. For others it may be just a story, but only a few know that my heart which got broken that time is shattered in to pieces in such a way that it wont ever find peace again. The reason being me for the breakup for her good, i took the whole responsibility of what had happened and made myself a person with stone heart.  That time, only one thing was there in my mind, that i have done what is right for her family, what is good for her, a beautiful and secure life afterwards with a promising person than being with me. But what will happen to me after that, i was unsure, still believing that i can go through these hard times. Though i was aware of this situation earlier and prepared mentally for it, its too hard when the reality shows up and i am realizing that i am loosing myself slowly as days pass on.

Its been almost seven months since i have even posted anything in my blog. Not because i don't have anything in particular to express; But the truth is just the opposite. I have been creating hundreds of thoughts inside my mind, of every occasion i have felt special, every moment which made me happy and those hard time in which i have felt like falling down. .And it was the sad moments which comes more often making me feel so lonely. . But. . i just couldn't put those in to words or express to anyone. . .Because i know very well that i have nothing to share with them but a bunch of sadness and some disappointing situations of my life which can only bring tears in their eyes. . Should i really hurt my dear ones by telling all these? And that too for a thing i clearly know that, is not gonna be the same as i have dreamed off.

And the solution i found to make people feel different of me is to make myself the best comedian they have ever seen and thus making the sadness inside me get unnoticed. I shared funny times with my dear ones, by even cracking jokes about myself, dragging everyone in to conversations pulling others legs with witty numbers and thus making a real mess itself all the time. As time passed, i got more used to it and the number of people who started mingling with me also increased making me feel so relieved that i am in one way or other becoming a sweet essence in their happy life. This cluster of dear ones includes my family members, my classmates, my colleagues, my students and literally everyone with whom i come through in my day to day life. With the interaction in social networking i was able to do this even more by hanging out with them all the time and just like i had expected everyone started taking it in a positive manner and enjoyed my company. . . .

 

Only a few among them who became so close to me really know what was going through my mind all the time. . . .only that handful number of my friends know the real me and the the painful fact that i am pasting a smile in front of everyone and making them happy, while the immense sadness is buried deep inside my heart forever. . . .

It has now became my character or my way of life itself and people have started believing me that i am like this only. . An easy go. . no tension. . always happy guy. .Its definitely something i had to feel proud off since everything  worked just like i have expected. . . .

But in real what's happening to me??

Its like i am forgetting who i am in real!

which poses a big question in front of me. . . .

Am i faking out my life??

Life has to go on. . . .

 Sometimes this may be the last post of me about my lost love. . . .because even though  i wish, i dont have the right to do so anymore. . . .i miss you baby. . .



 
PS: Before playing the video, Switch off the background music of the blog using the controls located at the bottom of this page.

Video Link : Life has to go on. . . . - Renju

Some days are never meant to be forgotten like Oct 29th for me

While being in love everyday is meant to be more and more special and its true. Even then there are days which they love more to cherish, celebrate and enjoy wholeheartedly. Yes, the day when they started their life together, the day when they opened their mind & proposed. . . .and for me its on an Oct 29th ten years ago. . . . Even though we got broke up few years back, the love i have for her has only multiplied a thousand times inside my heart that, i am still living in memories of her. . . .living a virtual life created with the moments, i keep close to my heart as the most valuable treasure in my life.

 Falling in love with a person is so beautiful and it happens so unexpectedly in our life that, the joy it brings inside us is really awesome and words are really insufficient to express those feelings. . . .just like the day when i first met my love. . . .Keeping that love securely inside my mind and enjoying the way i care for it, my heart was able to express it openly to her only a few years later on 29th Oct 2000. Though i was standing as a school boy at that time with no major responsibilities to hold other than studying, the love i have for her had grown in immense inside my heart that i was taking this major step in my life wholeheartedly with the trust and love i have for her and the belief in god. And now also i know that, it is a correct decision only because she is the only one who is still living in my heart.

The day 29th carried such a significance in our love life that, we used to celebrate almost every month by sending cards and long letters and for the anniversary used to share gifts and make the day memorable. . . Our seven years of love life has gifted me the most memorable moments in my life in such a way that i just cant forget her. Never had i thought in my life that i will loose her and the Oct 29th becomes just another normal day with loneliness as my only company. Those cards and letters which i have sent her were all returned back to me at the time of our breakup and they are still with me as the most valuable treasure in my life, though i dont have the courage enough to read it again. . . may be in future i will ,when i will be leaving this world forever with closed eyes imagining her to be my side bidding me bye forever.

I dont want to blame the fate for what i am now, because  it was me who decided and forced myself to leave her from my life few years back for her family, and it seems to be a right decision since it had helped her in achieving goal in her life though deep inside i dont know whether she is missing me atleast for a moment. . . .and for that moment i wish i have my life completed since she is the most precious gift God has ever given me in my entire life. . . .

I cry more at night than sleep....

Years back, me too was like any other normal person....living tension free....enjoying every funny moment of life....hoping for a bright future....and above all that, thanking god for the most precious gift he has given me, my Love and the dreams of having a life with her and everything like that...i used to dream....i used to live in it....with small small hopes....small small fights.... without knowing my life was gonna shattered in to pieces after sometime....

Its been years since i have even slept well. Every night starts with thoughts of her more closely than in a day and the sweet memories of the moments we have spent together, right from the very instant i saw her for the first time, up to the painful moment she parted away from my life....

those seven years which makes the most beautiful moments in my life....

those sweet memories on which i am still living....

Those memories fills me with her nearness and i have a feeling like talking with her, sharing every happenings of the day....

every fun i came across and want to tell her....

every new stuff i saw and wished to buy for her....

every new places i visited, were i wished to have her too as my company....

every long rides i take, on which i missed her closeness....

every good news for which i wish, she should be the first person to hear from me and

every sad situations i had to face in which, i really longed for her to be by my side as support forever....

But when i am back from thoughts, i realize that i am all alone, in a closed room with my love no longer near me....and everything seems to fade away before my eyes....and a feeling of vacuum pierce my heart....with deep pain inside i close my eyes....failing to stop the tears flowing down my cheek....and i become more and more weak....slowly loosing my energy....i feel like dying....and i really wish like i die....

With closed eyes and paining neck coz of crying hard ,i wholeheartedly wish her to be around me, and console me with her presence and makes me feel that she is always with me....coz i know she too cant see me crying....

Missing her very badly....

In every moment of my life....

And sure the night would have gone and i forget to sleep like always....

PS: Only a few friends know about my state of mind and what i am going through now and how every single night of my life are getting equipped that, they may even misunderstand me for not responding to them if ever they happen to contact me or wish to have message/chat with me that time....still i wish to be alone only....in thoughts of her in my own world....

Feel My Heart - My Song Published!!!!

Its said like everyone will have some song of their own, which will be playing inside their heart all the time and for me its nothing other than my own composed song "Feel My Heart", which clearly explains the feelings i am going through now....as far as concerned its my blog name itself, which tells how much i am related to my lost love in every way....every moment....purely a dedication to my Lost Love....

 " Feel My Heart " is not a song which originated coz of days effort, but truly speaking, the whole song was created including the lyrics written by myself suiting to the music was all done in a matter of just 3 hours; a creation done overnight. To tell about the music it was adopted from an online game which i have been playing for about a month or so, whose background music and beats i loved a lot. Since i dont have my mic working properly for recording, its my smartphone which i used to record my voice and at the same time playing the music in computer, so that the phone picked both of them and hence got the song as the result. But it had affected the quality a lot and i didnt bother about it much since it was purely made for just my fantasy only that time.

Its been quite a while, to say precisely months itself, since i have been planning to publish my song on youtube, but couldnt make it appealing since the raw song i have in hand was recorded using a mobile and was not clear and also was little confused to put it directly or otherwise and moreover i was little hesitant to publish, since its me who sang it and i know very well how my voice sounds in it. But after settling down all these confusions and postprocesing the video for embedding the lyrics inside the video," Feel My Heart " was published on my Youtube channel ' RenjithB ' on 24th June 2010.

PS: Before playing the video, Switch off the background music of the blog using the controls located at the bottom of this page.

Video Link : Feel My Heart - Renju ( Dedicated to my Lost Love)

  

The video info on youtube channel clearly explains everything i wish to say here....

Hello Guys. Im here to share one of my crazy creation- A song!!!
This song is sung, all by myself with lyrics too written with my feelings inside, of my lost love, a way of expressing how much i miss her even now.... Music is my passion & and in time there are some which touches our heart. After playing an online game for about more than a month, i started loving the background music of it, especially the beats within it & u know what happened next? Coupled with the feelings of my lost love, i wrote the lyrics to suit this music & i tried singing it all by myself.. I know its not that much good since the voice was recorded using a mobile only with music from computer speakers along with & moreover my voice too, i know its not meant for a singer :)
Still i love this song a lot.. A way of opening my heart....a way of expressing my heart to my baby....my love...
Thanks for hearing...your comments are welcome...
Hope i didnt waste your time & bored you...
Take care...
Rgds,
Renju

Singer - Renjith;
Lyrics - Renjith;
Music - Courtesy to an online game for the background music;

PS : The very positive result which added to my happiness is that my video got more than 200 hits in youtube within just 2 days of publishing...i wish to thank all the viewers especially my friends who spend their time in viewing my video.

Lost in thoughts....

I may be faking out my real life, but its true that, its the memories of my lost love which keeps my life going on and it happens with me most of the times, that i get fully involved with memories of her, to such an extent that, i just cant think of anything going around. I just keep myself away from all the social networking or messaging or even any interaction with the outside world  just to leave me alone with thoughts of her. The only exception here is that i am blogging all this now the very moment....coz don't know why, i feel like talking with her itself while doing so....

                 It has been years since i have even heard her voice, but still i can feel that voice very lively inside me, making me feel her togetherness, her presence in everything i do; right from the beginning of the day when she used to wish me and wake up, being with me all through the day sharing all the fun and sadness, till the end of the day when she used to wish me a sweet sleep and sure i slept in thoughts of her....

             There are days when i badly wish to meet her, hear her voice, spent few moments with her, make my life meaningful....a hopeless dream as of concerned now....since all decisions of parting were taken by me only and not her in the end, and it is the biggest mistake i have done in my life. Still i feel like it have helped her to live, on her own and succeed in life and also to her family as i am no longer their problem. But leaving me  back, with deep pain inside the heart, with the memories of the sweet moments we had spent in those 7 years of love as my only companion now. Still i know that its nothing more than the pain i have caused her bcoz of our parting...i dont know how to apologize....

Yes, i am lost in thoughts of her....missing her very badly more and more as time pass on....still i believe like one day she will be mine....before i leave this lonely world....

My eyes are wet while typing all these, and also the days when i miss her so badly....even then i love these days more than anything..just bcoz she still lives inside me....as my soul itself....

PS: The lyrics of the song "Stay" from "Sash" really express what i feel every moment

   

" I had a dream last night
You were there
You held my hand so tight
I thought I'd just die
Do you remember?
When we use to have
So much fun
I used to cry sometimes
Those days are gone
Did you remember? "



 
  PS: Before playing the video, Switch off the background music of the blog using the controls located at the bottom of this page.

Video Link : Sash - Stay

I wanna be young....

Anti-aging is a phenomena that almost every person dreams off in their life. Just coz no one really wants to get older as time passses. A thought like that was born inside me, based only  on one reason, a slightly sad experience from the past.

"I still remember once she had told me years before that, she could not feel me as her love, just coz i was little out of shape at that time and we were meeting after a couple of months as usual. It had hurt me a lot and really took me days to recover from that shock. I dont want her feel the same way the next time she may come to see, dont know when will it happen. May be after years.... by that time, when she looks at me, I will be looking the same way as she had wished to see, but i wont be able to smile as my eyes would have been closed for ever...."

PS: Its really a good day for me, since when i checked my weight, i realized that , i has put down around 4 Kg in just two months, which adds to my happiness a lot....a feel like i am getting younger....

Its just me who remains....

Faces....a lot of them....which i have seen while passing through all my life....some familiar ....and some unfamiliar....every face had a different story to tell of their own.... some welcomed me to be a part of it....while some just shared a story and went off....But of which, a few where there, who had time for me...for hearing my story....and evoke my memories....and its that short , but beautiful time by which i live again in my world with her....

               Being in love is the most wonderful thing in this world, and its value is only realized fully when u come to loose it....no matter you blame it on fate or self or anything....its the most painful thing one can bear in his entire life....may be ie why its said like love is heartfelt....sure its true....Sharing my story have only gifted tears in the eyes of others and sympathy in their heart....may be our love is so true that, after sharing my story everyone seems to have an influence of it and just setup to make everything alright....even without knowing the story fully....without realizing that they are really helpless....I thank everyone of them for their love for me....the time they actually spent for me....the time through which they had really made me travel with her....

But in the end, i realize its just me who remains alone, accompanied by her thoughts and living in our own world....hoping for a day....which will come....when i will be the same butterfly for her....waiting with open hands....with the immense love treasured inside my heart all these years only for my baby....

Im obsessed with number " 4 "

Getting in love with a number is very easy....It can start anytime, without any reason, like being one's lucky number itself. But not that much easy, when our mind strongly goes behind it and always wish its presence in everything we do....

            Yup,  i am talking about, how a number got influenced in my life, the number '4'. In search of the origin of that love, its not just months, but years itself through which, the very number has found a valuable place in my heart. It may seem strange for others , but now it has become more or like a part of my life...

             When ever i am about to select a lottery number, my eyes keep on searching for those containing '4'. If ever i am given to select anything from the list, my selection will be most probably '4'. When comes to situation of any objective type questions and if i failed to get the correct answer, i just go for the 4th option. Any key chains which contains that number attractive makes me so much drive inside to own it.  If i keep on telling, then there a lot of things, even on minute details like putting dots at the end of a continous line....

          While playing sudoku the very number i start looking for to fill first is '4'. If ever i purchase things from shops like soft drink can or chocolates, i always took 4 of them. For that very love i have even put '4' as graphics on the visor of my bike. No wonder my email id contains the same number, that too twice..!!

          Yes, '4' relates to no one else, other than my baby,
my lost love, 
her name itself.... 

Its coz of that only, even my mobile numbers "99**47**6*", "9*44*4**7*" and "8**7*7**44" too contains the very '4' along with my name '7' (full name) ; a symbol of how much she is still living inside me....now and 4ever....

PS: I am sure , You will be thinking now,that this guy is really out of mind!! :)

The song made me lost in memories....

              Even though i love to hear songs, i rarely find any time in a day, to hear songs using headset, since i will be busy social networking and checking mails. So i used to hear the selected or newly downloaded songs , in background while, i will be busy working in my PC, which me too only slightly interested, since i cant enjoy the song whole heartedly during the whole chat, post, scrap hush bush...

          But what happened today is , a little change in routine. I normally wont switch off the PC while having dinner or most times i had the dinner too, in front of the PC only.. Thought of spending a few minuts before  the TV and watch the comedy shows, i left my room with PC off and have dinner. The bluffs going on TV could hardly catch the attention of my mind that, i simply started scrolling the music playlist in my smartphone, when i came through an unnamed track which one of my students had given me a day before..It was Pular Manju Pol from the Album En Jeevane..

                 Though the song was released pretty long before, it somehow made my mind flow along with the lyrics the moment i hear from the mobile itself. As soon as i finished my dinner, my eyes was very searching for the headset and occupied my usual corner in my bed from were i used to read magazines. It was really like a beautiful experience , since i have not been using headset for hearing song for a long time and i really felt like the female voice is singing close to my heart...just like i have always felt my baby..yes my love,baby...she use to sing well, though i have chance to hear it through phone only, lot of times..but every time, my closed eyes through out her song makes me, feel her presence close to my heart...

        Not sure, is it the female voice in the song or the lyrics which pulled me back to memories of her so deeply..or is it reminding me again and again, how beautifully she still lives inside me..now and forever...

        My music player is still playing the song and i am lost in thoughts of her, but with happiness inside my heart, that she is accompanying me in this lonely night..Miss you dear...