Am i faking out my life ?

Life is not the same anymore and is definitely not like i have expected or dreamed earlier. The beautiful life i have built inside my heart with my loved one, the wonderful world in which only we both loved each other more than anything else is a past thing now. Its just like any other love story which ended in a not so good way. For others it may be just a story, but only a few know that my heart which got broken that time is shattered in to pieces in such a way that it wont ever find peace again. The reason being me for the breakup for her good, i took the whole responsibility of what had happened and made myself a person with stone heart.  That time, only one thing was there in my mind, that i have done what is right for her family, what is good for her, a beautiful and secure life afterwards with a promising person than being with me. But what will happen to me after that, i was unsure, still believing that i can go through these hard times. Though i was aware of this situation earlier and prepared mentally for it, its too hard when the reality shows up and i am realizing that i am loosing myself slowly as days pass on.

Its been almost seven months since i have even posted anything in my blog. Not because i don't have anything in particular to express; But the truth is just the opposite. I have been creating hundreds of thoughts inside my mind, of every occasion i have felt special, every moment which made me happy and those hard time in which i have felt like falling down. .And it was the sad moments which comes more often making me feel so lonely. . But. . i just couldn't put those in to words or express to anyone. . .Because i know very well that i have nothing to share with them but a bunch of sadness and some disappointing situations of my life which can only bring tears in their eyes. . Should i really hurt my dear ones by telling all these? And that too for a thing i clearly know that, is not gonna be the same as i have dreamed off.

And the solution i found to make people feel different of me is to make myself the best comedian they have ever seen and thus making the sadness inside me get unnoticed. I shared funny times with my dear ones, by even cracking jokes about myself, dragging everyone in to conversations pulling others legs with witty numbers and thus making a real mess itself all the time. As time passed, i got more used to it and the number of people who started mingling with me also increased making me feel so relieved that i am in one way or other becoming a sweet essence in their happy life. This cluster of dear ones includes my family members, my classmates, my colleagues, my students and literally everyone with whom i come through in my day to day life. With the interaction in social networking i was able to do this even more by hanging out with them all the time and just like i had expected everyone started taking it in a positive manner and enjoyed my company. . . .

 

Only a few among them who became so close to me really know what was going through my mind all the time. . . .only that handful number of my friends know the real me and the the painful fact that i am pasting a smile in front of everyone and making them happy, while the immense sadness is buried deep inside my heart forever. . . .

It has now became my character or my way of life itself and people have started believing me that i am like this only. . An easy go. . no tension. . always happy guy. .Its definitely something i had to feel proud off since everything  worked just like i have expected. . . .

But in real what's happening to me??

Its like i am forgetting who i am in real!

which poses a big question in front of me. . . .

Am i faking out my life??