The truth that i am no longer needed by anyone, kills me every moment....

Living in this world according to their own wish is what people dream everyday and to be precise, in every moment of their life. Yes, building a life beyond what we dream and for reaching there, every person tries hard and strive well against all the obstacles we face in the way. The obstacles can take the form of inadequate money, challenging situations and a lot. And its true that after facing all the difficulties, only a few manage to reach their goals; others literally fail, some lost hope, some fall behind and there lies among those who had fallen to the ground helpless, my name too, the very person who carried an entire world itself inside once....

The law of either to win or lose is a rule in every game, but when come to the case of life, the situation of falling back is so worse and sometimes unimaginable how deeper may be the impact it can give to our mind after that. We never know how much its gonna take us unless we really experience it. Yes, the past years of my life or my life as a whole itself had made me realize where i am standing now....

what i have gain till now....

Yes, nothing. Nothing at all. I gained only a couple of hatred from people who once was related to me as very dear ones and now became no longer ones and became part of the unknown crowd around me....and for them i dont care much since i believe they will be only happy without me.

What matters more is the things i have lost during all these years.

 I have lost my love itself which i consider more than my life now also. My friends used to scold me now also for not forgetting all these past things, which i definitely cant and they too know it very well and feels very sad for me. How can one forget a person who is his soul itself. But since all these sadness lives inside me and i cry alone at night, no ones seems to notice and while being with others i am like any other happy person, pasting a smile in my face, being myself a comedian too in time and bringing smile in their faces....i am happy that i am useful in doing atleast that....in spreading happiness around me.

But there are some situations which i find hard to manage and i feel so helpless . Because in the pace of life i failed to complete my studies and so couldn't build a stable career  which more than me, my parents were so expecting. And so i managed to get a small job only with a low pay-scale....My failure in their desired path have caused a lot of sadness in their heart though they didnt express it to me directly. But every occasion in which i attend with my parents, the news which flows from all sides of their colleagues  son being employed in big companies, getting promoted, going abroad, going to have marriage in few months and all makes them feel so low that they even hesitate to answer when someone asks about me to them. Not having the strength to see their faces down and unable to answer, i tried to avoid  attending almost all functions from then. But such situations repeat when some person visit our home too and it will be followed by my parents suggesting me to shift career and make a more better living in time . And every time when such a conversation gets discussed, i cry deep inside my heart that i realize a thousand times that i have failed in fulfilling their wishes....and i feel so down....a feeling generates like i am really unfit for being their son....a person who had broken their dreams....

Yes, i failed in my life so badly....

i dont even have an identity of my own....

The truth is that no one actually needs me now....

I am only causing disturbance or being a trouble for those who are with me now....

Coz i literally failed in achieving anything in life which i can call as my own....

Never wonder my parents too feel sad coz of me since i didnt became what i was meant to....

Its killing me....the very truth.... that no one actually needs my existence....

Thats how my love for music started....

                                  Every one will have a passion for one or more things in their life....I am using a plural form here because,  in my case itself it goes like a pretty long list of passion for music, riding, surfing and a lot. Among them music has been my great companion all these years, by standing by my side in my good as well as my bad times....How and all the love for music started inside me is really interesting.

For me the music was not only a passion of hearing, but also a deep feeling inside of expressing myself the very mood i am in to. May be because of that i possess a set of songs as mood collections itself as my own in my pc as well in the smartphone which i used to hear whenever i am down. And majority of those carry a sad theme since i love the lonely feel a lot. No wonder the song i compose few months back about my lost love also carried the very same theme. But it doesnt mean that i have specific taste in picking music. Actualy my taste are vivid in the case of hearing music. I hear soft serene instrumental as well as hard rock and trance; so its all matters with what mood i am in that time and its true that music has really helped much in that very situation a lot and so never wonder why i am in love with music a lot....

My love for music has an unseen part also in my life, the very own part in which besides from enjoying music i also used to play music, a keyboard to be in particular. I still remember how that sweet love was born in my life. It was during my schoolings that the movie Titanic was  released and like everyone, me too became a great fan of that movie and what dragged me closer to it is the very song and music of the movie. Being a person carrying a love inside unspoken to my sweet baby at that time, this romantic movie has become my dream itself those days. The song My Heart Will Go On performed by Celine Dion has become more like a song inside my heart itself and each time i hear it, i tried hard to get the lyrics clear and sing along ( Remember it was those days wen we had least access to pc itself, so no way of lyrics searching like these days which is at one touch of a click now). And it happened finally like i took a paper and wrote down the lyrics and got it corrected from my friends who too were having the love for the very song, but not as addicted as mine...

It just didnt ended up with memorizing the lyrics of the song and singing along or even recording the same on a cassette recorder, but it really seed the love of playing music also in me. With much difficulty i persuaded my dad who is not interested in letting me in to anything else other than studies, that i want to join the School of Music in my hometown. But with the help of my mom's support i was successful in doing this. From the very start of studying the music notes itself, besides my homework in performing  small sample notes which my music sir had given to practice, i always try to play the very song from Titanic, My Heart Will Go On ,without even knowing which keys are being used, but just listening to the tone produced when i press every key. It may be the love for the song that never made me feel sad ,for the more than hundred times i tried in creating the notes and everytime i failed in creating  it perfectly. But with my constant practice and the added curiosity helped me in creating the notes line by line as day passed on and i manage to complete the full song on my own and i really felt like i am on the top of the world. Really cant describe how happy i was at that time.

The days followed with my performance in keyboard everyday at home and most times the audience were my sister and mom and they were really happy by the way i played. To make the scene more lovely at an enhanced level, i had even connected my keyboard to the output of music system and gave a multiplied feel of effect for the music i play. I never lose the chance to play the same in any situation, if any relative visit to my house or even at school where i was actually not a member of the music group, but when they were in practice room, and my friend was really surprised when i played it in the big keyboard he owned. Yes, the notes i created by hearing the song again and again were so perfect that everyone who came to hear it, appreciated me a lot and some of them even wished to share the notes from me. 

But in pace of life i couldnt keep up the classes nor practicing my keyboard. May be its due to a slight uninteresting approach from my dad's part too that, he felt like i am wasting my time on  music when i was actually meant to study and build my career. In time i was forced to kill the love i have, to perform music and so had to discontinue my music classes and dedicate myself only to my studies. But life always shows it hard part and in my case too, it was no different. Because now i stand without a stable career nor a thorough knowledge in music....which is really painful....adding to the unfulfilled wishes....just another loss in my life....

Now i am no more a performer, but a good listener and sometimes so addictive too to good music; those ones which creep inside my head and makes me feel so good. May be ie why i always wish to enjoy music alone, since i am too shy to even express it in front of others. Its like i used to mock playing a keyboard in my empty table itself while enjoying the song or even perform some dance steps of my own. To be precise i have even specific songs to hear at different moods to console myself and hearing it over and over really helps me a lot....sometimes even more than the consoling words from a friend itself....

Today also i can quote this music of Titanic as the very best i have heard in my entire life.  The one which made me fall in love with music who is my lonely companion now. When James Cameroon created a love symbol as a movie itself, actually James Horner has created a music of Love itself and may be ie why it still sings inside the heart of every lover forever and ever....

This is the one i tried playing on my keyboard at that time:

PS: Before playing the video, Switch off the background music of the blog using the controls located at the bottom of this page.

Video Link - Titanic Rose Theme ( The Portrait )

I dont Need you is Just a Click Away

When come to discussion of maintaining relationships, involving serious fights in time and getting separated is common these days. It just depends on how long the matter takes to settle down and compromise or just bid bye and carry on with their own pace of life. 

The most crucial part in such a scenario is how the situation gets dragged in between them and how really both of them wants it to happen that way or just get it finalized soon. Earlier it was like the serious talks, which gradually result in a fighting scene usually happen so directly; at least they can see their faces and realize how rage and anger or is there still any hope of love, fills it as a whole which in return also helps in making a decision so clear. That an Yes or No. With the development of technology in communication media, the so called situation gradually got shifted as talks through phone for long hours. It also had an added advantage that they dont have to see their faces and so they can just throw those  hard words in to talk very easily which they found hard to express in direct talk and hence the feelings too....

It clearly shows that the technical advancements in meeting people have only helped to getting out of relation also so simple than earlier. And the latest one in this queue is the Social Networking. Its true that the social networking helps in making relations with almost anyone in this world in a matter of few seconds and the very next moment they together are on their way of living life sharing thoughts, pics , videos and almost anything. It has both positive and negative parts by doing so, since it can also result in invading the privacy of one's life, anyway i am not going deep in to it, since i feel like i am slightly deviating from my own topic itself. Ya, about relations getting broken.

When any social networking site is taken in to consideration, it almost follow the same pattern of adding friends, grouping them according to the classifications and at-last setting privacy over them, according to the priority you give them to have individual access to stuff like photos and videos you add in your profile in time. What everyone least noticed at the time of these kind of social networking sites launch is that, there is also a " Remove Friend " button located once a person got added in to your friends list. Earlier people have wondered the necessity of that button since the thoughts and feelings of people were so broad at that time and they really felt it like they wouldn't have to use it anytime . Now the situation has changed  and its sad to know that the so called 'button' which was actually questioned for its necessity earlier, has been in to use so frequently that, it really helped in one way or another to get out of relation so easy....

It helped them avoid a lot of unnecessary talks....

It virtually setup an environment so that they didnt have to submit any clarification  for why they are doing this....

It actually reduced the chances of getting back in to relation again, which in some cases direct talks have resulted, since they can read their emotions from their eyes itself while fighting and so they forgive themselves once again....

It helps in breaking a relation so easy and also letting the mess happened to know among all the other friends too in the friends list,  so that they dont have to explain it to them also....

Can we call this as an added feature?? Can we call this as an achievement?

What ever may be my question... its now very clear that...breaking relation is not that much tedious as early....

Ya..a decision of I don't need you is just a click away!!!