Breathing memories every moment. . . .

I would be faking if I say that I am ok, I am happy etc, but what's more confusing is that I cant recognize whether I am in pain or unhappy. I am in a state of mind driven by thoughts and memories that I can hardly distinguish between virtual world and reality.

 

Pic Courtesy : Google

As the very first letter of your name gives me a startle from within even now, there is nothing more left to explain how much I'm adoring you even now from inside though I'm not explicitly showing it. It may be my strong feeling or decision which have paved me to build a state of mind like this knowingly or unknowingly.

Pic Courtesy : Google

Your name carved on my hand  reminds me every  moment, the purity of love we shared those days and how much our life were meant for each other. A mere touch over it gives me a startle feeling inside now also, as if I am touching you itself.

It will be there, now and forever not for being showcased, but as a sweet memento of a wonderful time, a beautiful feeling to make me assure the presence of divine love in my life. . . those days when I felt that I am  actually alive. . . .

Losing the love for life. . . .

                                   

Pic Courtesy : Google

The very thought strikes like a hard blow on head, but nevertheless it can be stated in any other way as every second of my life turns out to be a reminder of the same. May be everything is just an illusion and all I need is to wake-up and realize that everything was just a nightmare. . . But deep inside I know its not.

  

Is it true that a single life is not enough to experience everything in this world? I think it differs with perspective and we can hardly get an answer. Because it has to be considered that experiencing and understanding are two different sides of the same coin and the latter consumes a significant portion of our life to achieve. And while doing so the end result is still far from acceptable.

   

Pic Courtesy : Google

Every time I have been puzzled at the very question that, what I have been doing in my entire life?
Am I doing something for myself or for others?
Am I really happy in time or just making myself believe that I'm so.
That's were the acceptance of life matters. We people keep on doing things for others most of the time just for a mere impression and literally fails every time to hear what our mind have to convey. 

If I have listened to that earlier, I wouldn't have dragged my life this much far. . . .

When you are Lost. . . .

Pic Source : Google

"People changes with time" , it's a saying we hear often and few people would have even seen that personally in their life. It's more like a usual thing happening in different stages of life and people are least bothered about it these days. But there are few people who failed to escape from the shackles of different incidents in their life and gets trapped in their memories forever. . a very handful of people. . .  Like me.

Life is supposed to be a mixture of both happiness and sorrows and it's only the lucky few who gets the blessing to stay happy forever. Others taste the bitter experience and still manage to move on either by cursing the fate or by just hoping that everything will be alright soon. It's been years since i have lost the most precious treasure in my life and I still can't figure out that, am I walking away from it for a new life now or moving more and more deeper inside and getting lost in memories. . .

Pic Source: Google

I too had dreams, may be more bigger than what my little heart can hold on that time and i still didn't let it go. It's said like when come to love, people becomes more childish and their world gets shrunk to their little dream world in which only two of them will be there; the cute little world full of love, where the only thing it matters is their beautiful relation. And one day when the truth hits a hard blow that, their world cease to exist, they fail to accept the reality and try to cling on to their belief that its all just a dream & when you wake up, everything will be alright. . . 

I am tired of hearing the word "Move on" from everyone who knows me, who cares me, But least they understand that finally when i tried doing just like they all wanted, after all these years, i terribly lost the pace & i felt like i am some other person.

Pic Source : Google

I realize that i am getting lost in memories, 

i am realizing that i am living more in past than in my present,

i am realizing that i am getting lost in myself for a life which now exist only in my dream,

But still i feel more secure in being myself left alone in my world than becoming someone i hardly know. . . 

May be i am Lost. . . 

Smile. . . i can see it everywhere and inside me too now

       Its said like few surprises carry a deep effect that it can make you feel totally forget yourself for a while. And if that is something which you have least expected since a long time, the effect it can bring to your mind is truly mesmerizing to such a level that, we fail to express it in words. That's how i felt when i saw her pic after a long time . . a very long time.

     

Pic Source : Google

 A portrait is something which can be grabbed easily with even a mobile camera  in a couple of seconds, but it matters much if the person whom we wish to be near is long lost years before, even before when the camera feature in mobile was considered as a luxury and not reachable to common men. Yeah, i belong to that decade when we were fancying around with Walkman in pockets & analog camera in hands. And being dependent on the family that time, its natural that i couldn't even use it take snaps like i wish & the few ones i managed to take with help of our friends too was lost when we had part years before. .But it has least impact on me since i have never felt the absence of a pic to remember her , because her face is stored deep inside me.

Pic Source : Google

Its really interesting that when i noted the date of the pic, it was shared exactly an year ago before today, in social networking site when she had gone outing with her better half. It was only me who was late to check it as i have stopped searching about her whereabouts long before itself to keep my promise to her family that i will never disturb her nor her life. Its so beautiful to know that their family have grown with the blessings of almighty and is blessed with a little kid too. The smile in their faces shows how much gifted their life is and i feel so happy inside that finally all the pains i have gone through these years after the breakup have not been in vain. Because i may not have been able to provide a stable and lovely life she is enjoying now, by mind , by health and everything. . .

  Life is truly interesting and it makes me smile when i think of each and every beautiful moments i have been through, the smiles i have shared with my lost love when she was around me & the smile which is filling my face when i see her pic on screen now. . .

Pic Source : Google

And now also i don't have to keep her pic, as her face is already inside my heart as the most beautiful portrait i have drawn . . and her name imprint on my hand still hold as the most beautiful art  i cherish every moment i see it, as the living memory of the most beautiful time in my life . . .    

Keep smiling. . .

   

  

Life is sometimes just the days of countdown to death

                 

Pic Source: Google

In a beautiful world filled with lots of unique identities and supernatural things, it would be taken as uncommon if i say that there is nothing worth to live here anymore. But the fact is that if a person have spent his entire lifetime devoted to a particular person through a magical feeling called love, then if at anytime a situation comes like his soul-mate is not gonna be with him anymore, then for that person the so called beautiful world and supernatural things matters nothing; because their entire world have been shut down from his life making him blind forever. Such people have no world to explore but have miles and miles of thoughts to explore from within.



       

Pic Source: Google

 Solitude is a beautiful feeling to cherish, if one attains to gain control over it through years of silent practice as their every step of life is associated with it making it a perfect mold in time. Its more like composing a music which our heart wishes to play in every heartbeat and the perfect sync is achieved in time making the life more smoother. But time brings changes in everything and certainly life too and there comes moments when music will play off the beat and yet we will feel like our life is flying high. Emotions and feelings play a wonderful bonding with heart during this period making the people so close that they cant literally separate themselves. But at the same time relationship would have gone sensitive to that much level that even a slight misunderstanding will result in a catastrophe. Its that moment when the sweetness delivered by a relation is shadowed by the challenging situations itself to maintain the relation because of repeated misunderstanding and small fights.

Pic Source: Google

Whats more important to be taken in to account is that to whatever situation this fights may proceed in time, we should never ever involve a third person in to this scenario even for a compromise. Because it will only increase more timely issues to arise even as ego clashes which will kill the relation so brutally. Then wondering how this situation will be overcome? Purely by dedication to their love for themselves inside heart which exist deep rooted inside making a perfect magnetic bond keeping them close. But sadly time have the power to bring changes in that too and and a perfect comeback of a relation at state depends on luck too sometimes.

Pic Source : Google

So all i wish to say is that, Life is something which we should learn to accept and believe that changes can happens at anytime making the entire flow turbulent and sometimes may even push to situations like there is no hope ahead. Lets accept the fact and move on and make the gifted life of god more meaningful and appreciable. No one will love to remember sad moments, but happy moments can make even a sad person feel different and gift him at-least one minute of pleasure. With a positive hope keep on going and  as everyday we pass on we are just getting one day more close to death. . .




Yes, the count down of death have began the moment you are born, so just make yourself feel worthy of every single day you live. . .

feelings conveyed by,
A soul dead a decade before. . . .

Am i mistaken for my smile also now?

Pic Source : Google

Problems in life have not been a new thing for me and like everyone me also have to undergo a series of it, all these years. The only thing is that i was not able to manage it with a strong heart since i used to get broken down even with a slightest push. The strongest decisions and visions of my life remained just in words and when comes to relations i used to fall deep down so miserably and i have been always hungry like a small baby itself craving for unconditional love.

I know that in a practical world like today, a person like me is literally a dumb if i start thinking like this and really have no space to live among others. Still i manage to survive here with a vague wish that i will be able to find a world around me in the way i wish, with only the people i care and love. The fact is that, it remained as a virtual world itself inside me, which was never gonna practical and the only way to get it done is by changing my life itself, in other words faking it out.

Pic Source : Google

Faking an entire life itself, was not an easy thing since in time i have been loosing myself in the process of becoming the person what i am not really. But it was also interesting that the goal of that fake life was so simple. Just to forget all the tensions and spread happiness and smile. As a nonstop talker, things was so easy for me since i don't even find hiccup in starting conversation with even a total stranger. The new way of life gave me an interesting label and more like an award itself among the people i interact as the most entertaining person itself. To say frankly i have fallen in love with my fake life a lot that i have started living through it the entire day. The sadness and confused thoughts which used to live within me got concealed in myself and never did i allow anyone to open it. Yeah, i started finding happiness in making others smile and smiling at myself too. I was just trying to make this short lived feeling get stretched in to my entire life itself so that i can carry on like this forever. Truly i was following my heart more than what my brain was telling that time. 

Pic Source : Google

But least did i even imagine in my dreams that i will be pushed aside even by the people who knows me very well because of the change happened in my life that they will take it for granted that my life is ultra cool and i have even forgot thinking about them or their life. My craziness behavior have left them thinking that i have even stopped bothering about the problems they were going through their life. Least they try to understand the fact that under this funny mask, i am carrying a bundle of sadness which i have decided in prior that i will never ever share it with anyone other than myself. Good or bad i was ready to be the reason for what i become in time.

Pic Source : Google

I am now standing devastated in the middle of this big world as a big clown who is ought to smile only because i have enjoyed doing it regardless of time and now there is no going back to since there is no life there too. Also i am so tired of sharing whats really going inside my mind since it will help to increase pain only and also make others too sad which i certainly don't wish to do. I have stopped thinking about whats real and virtual now and all i wish is to live each and everyday with a feeling to carry on myself. .

 

Me only

You may call me looser, but now i am in a state that i cant differentiate whats winning from loosing. But i love what i am doing now by creating a virtual world around me. I have been true to myself all the time while writing this blog. Because now this is the only place where i am seeing myself at-least for a while. . .And back in the life out there as the craziest man in my fake life, i don't see it as fake anymore , because it have also become my life itself now, more like the only life for me now which i am falling in love as days passes. . . .

I hide my tears in my smile. . . :~)

Pic Source : Google

Life would be have been so cool if everything happens just in the way we wish. But natures rule is never like that and not a single person have any idea of whats in-stored for  him in future though he is trying hard to fulfill his dreams. I am no super human and all these applies to me also, the only difference is that i have gone through even more weird situations where the destiny have turned myself down twice. . .

Pic Source : Google

Life is pretty hard to live if we have already forgotten how to make it through, since you have lost the love for living it. Its like living in a world, where even minute things matters to others a lot, we will be hardly noticing how our life itself is skipping away from our hands. And the weirdest part of it is that, people who hardly know about what we are going through will simply pass on advises and comments in a humiliating manner too sometimes that we don't even wish to talk with them again. I never carry hatred for any person who have hurted in my life, instead i will simply forget them in such a way that they will slowly fade even from my memories. Its actually a bless in having a memory loss in situations like this that, we don't have to try hard for that also. But certain things which we have valued more than our life itself will stay in our memories regardless of time and its like it would have become a part of our virtual world itself. . . the most painful ones.

Pic Source : Google

A smile which is so naturally and has to happen from inside is what i have been missing these days and still i am managing myself to push through the pace of life though occasionally i feel a lot more down. Its like falling from the cliff of a mountain and there is nothing to support us and nevertheless i wish for it too. The lost of love for my life have made me in to something  or a different person itself which i hardly understand these days. Its not a new thing for me since i have been going through such a scenario for past few years that, living a fake life is not a big thing for me. But when life itself starts playing with our emotions by magically bringing so many persons close to us, make us feel rich with their love and suddenly make them disappear from our life one day, its makes us feel like our destiny is already written and things like this happens repeatedly only to remind us that we have to accept all these pains. . .

Pic Source : Google

It may seems like my arrogant nature or firm decision that i never wish to bring anyone down with my way of approach by sharing my situation of life, but instead i wish to make everyone happy and its the least thing i can do. Ever since my school days and then in to college days i have been known among my buddies as the person who is able to change the entire scene in to a laughter by my usual witty nature of talk. Things didn't change when i start working also after my studies and all these time, i have been so keen to be like the same though the situations in my life changed a lot. Its more or like i am able to hide myself inside with my way of talking and it helped me a lot from the numerous questions which i would otherwise have to answer in time. It has more or less have become a routine itself that i started feeling good about doing things this way.

Pic Source : Google

It may be so surprising for those who knows least about me that behind all those witty way of talk and gestures which i made in time in teasing and pulling others leg for fun and all, there is a painful part of my heart, an unseen portion which is ardently wishing to hide itself from everyone so that no one notices its tears. This heart which have lost everything in its way of life and have only one thing to keep it alive. . by spreading smiles and laughter's and making himself assure that so many people are feeling happy by doing so. In this big world outside filled with hatred and broken promises and unexpected happenings, a lot may be finding so lonely and seeking a small portion of happiness, feeling so down of the current life they may be going through, i will be there to make them smile, to forget their tension atleast for the time being, be one among them, make them laugh and feel like they are not alone in this world and tell them that the world is not that much bad as they have seen it. . .

Pic Source : Google

May be that's why god have blessed me with that kinda dual persona in making me completely two different persons and isolating one from the other such that my sadness will never overshadow the people who trust me, who love me, who wants to be in touch with me and my only purpose is to make them feel rich with my love and care and make them happy and smile no matter where they belong, where they are from or how long will they stays in my life. But one thing is sure, i will never make them sad because of me, but instead i will tease them, poke them, make them smile, like their buddy, like a big brother and sometimes like a mischievous kid. . . Coz that's what i am made for, that's what my purpose is here. . .and that's the only thing i love to do now. For how long i don't know, but its helping me a lot in moving on with my life . And hence giving birth to the ultra crazy nature of mine through a totally different mask!!

i myself, Nocturnal Idiot  signing off to spread more crazy smiles. . . :~)