Another New Year went without getting noticed

Its said like celebrations used to bring happiness and prosperity along with it and bless you with immense joy; but for me it didnt present anything in particular and may be ie why even the New Year eve went like any other day. May be its because of my own mistake that i didnt take any effort to get involved or participate in the celebrations or is it because i am really least interested in doing so? What ever it may be, but i made myself sure that, none of my companions or buddies notice this sick behavior of me coz i truly wish not to become a reason to spoil their happiness because of me.

       Achieving happiness in life is what everyone dreaming off and sweet occasions really promise to give it a lot though the way of achieving it differs from person to person. And just for contributing my part and spread the message of New Year, i designed a  new year card and shared with my online buddies in facebook and orkut since social networking friends are the only people now, i keep in touch with. I understand that Social networking is a virtual world, but i am sticking to it for the time being since i am left with no other option.

Even then to an extent my this New Year is different from the previous ones coz it is the first time that i directly called a lot of my friends, students, relatives etc by phone for wishing them directly instead of putting a message. I dont know why i did like that, but i am sure that it made them too feel happy.

But being true to the core of my mind, i am mentally and physically broken down in this New Year and i wished like, it to be the last of this kind in my life. Emotionally broken down because of the losses i had in previous years while physically broken down because of the disease i am carrying on. . . .

Even then i dont blame anyone since the situation i am in now is what i have wished for always. . . . for the benefit of everyone. . . .

Life has to go on. . . .

 Sometimes this may be the last post of me about my lost love. . . .because even though  i wish, i dont have the right to do so anymore. . . .i miss you baby. . .



 
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Video Link : Life has to go on. . . . - Renju

Being a soulkeeper. . . .

Pic Courtesy : Google

There are some faces which flash before my eyes in time. . . .So unfamiliar. . . So distant. . . .but still holding an invisible thread of relation which binds my heart so close to them and making me feel like their own. . . .a feeling so gifted, which even the people surrounding me failed to give in time. . . .Yes, the Pet who couldnt even speak, expecting nothing from us, but loves us the more than we actually give them. . . . The unconditional love of them for which i am debted every minute of the life. . . . But there are also those who couldnt enjoy the privilege of being inside a home and the comfort of being owned. . . We call them stray dogs. . . .

Pic Courtesy : Google

The journey to my workplace everyday consist of a ride of few kilometers and during this i used to meet a lot of these familiar faces. Each one on their own, searching for food for them as well as for their little ones. They dont know me, they would have hardly noticed me anyway. But they never knew that they are filled inside my thoughts for few moments everyday. The way they used to play near road side brings smile in my face and i used to thank them for it. The very sight of them laying asleep so tired on the side of the road used to make me feel love for them. In time i am also worried about the fact that, since they are lying near the highway, they may be harmed and their death in time due to road accidents is what really hits like shock for me and i feel so down.

Pic Courtesy : Google

In the routine drive, this shock used to hit me once in a while and i just dont know what to do in that very moment. Its only the prayers which helped me to get through the situation. And in time it became a habit of me to chant prayers when ever i see the death of them and i never stop chanting  Ohm Namah Shivaya (Panchakshara Mantra of lord Shiva ) until i reach my destination. It gives me a feeling like i am performing the last rituals of them to find peace after death. I even used to visualize the scene of their souls being carried to heaven slowly as my chanting progress. My eyes used to get filled with tears blurring my vision by the time i reach my destination, but deep inside my heart i would be filled with so much love for them that, i could even see their silent faces conveying farewell to me. . . . those calm eyes thanking me. . . . may be they too would have felt me so closely to them at that moment.

Pic Courtesy : Google

Its told like when being left alone in life, by dear ones, then only we care for things around us like these. May be its true because, in my lonely life chosen by my wish,  i have only things like these as companion now and they are making me feel so comfortable. . . . filling my lonely heart with their thoughts. . . . and i love being their soulkeeper. . . . helping their souls to reach heaven with my prayers. . . . and i used to dream of them as the only persons who would be up there with god, waiting to receive me and shower me with their unconditional love. . . .

Some days are never meant to be forgotten like Oct 29th for me

While being in love everyday is meant to be more and more special and its true. Even then there are days which they love more to cherish, celebrate and enjoy wholeheartedly. Yes, the day when they started their life together, the day when they opened their mind & proposed. . . .and for me its on an Oct 29th ten years ago. . . . Even though we got broke up few years back, the love i have for her has only multiplied a thousand times inside my heart that, i am still living in memories of her. . . .living a virtual life created with the moments, i keep close to my heart as the most valuable treasure in my life.

 Falling in love with a person is so beautiful and it happens so unexpectedly in our life that, the joy it brings inside us is really awesome and words are really insufficient to express those feelings. . . .just like the day when i first met my love. . . .Keeping that love securely inside my mind and enjoying the way i care for it, my heart was able to express it openly to her only a few years later on 29th Oct 2000. Though i was standing as a school boy at that time with no major responsibilities to hold other than studying, the love i have for her had grown in immense inside my heart that i was taking this major step in my life wholeheartedly with the trust and love i have for her and the belief in god. And now also i know that, it is a correct decision only because she is the only one who is still living in my heart.

The day 29th carried such a significance in our love life that, we used to celebrate almost every month by sending cards and long letters and for the anniversary used to share gifts and make the day memorable. . . Our seven years of love life has gifted me the most memorable moments in my life in such a way that i just cant forget her. Never had i thought in my life that i will loose her and the Oct 29th becomes just another normal day with loneliness as my only company. Those cards and letters which i have sent her were all returned back to me at the time of our breakup and they are still with me as the most valuable treasure in my life, though i dont have the courage enough to read it again. . . may be in future i will ,when i will be leaving this world forever with closed eyes imagining her to be my side bidding me bye forever.

I dont want to blame the fate for what i am now, because  it was me who decided and forced myself to leave her from my life few years back for her family, and it seems to be a right decision since it had helped her in achieving goal in her life though deep inside i dont know whether she is missing me atleast for a moment. . . .and for that moment i wish i have my life completed since she is the most precious gift God has ever given me in my entire life. . . .

The truth that i am no longer needed by anyone, kills me every moment....

Living in this world according to their own wish is what people dream everyday and to be precise, in every moment of their life. Yes, building a life beyond what we dream and for reaching there, every person tries hard and strive well against all the obstacles we face in the way. The obstacles can take the form of inadequate money, challenging situations and a lot. And its true that after facing all the difficulties, only a few manage to reach their goals; others literally fail, some lost hope, some fall behind and there lies among those who had fallen to the ground helpless, my name too, the very person who carried an entire world itself inside once....

The law of either to win or lose is a rule in every game, but when come to the case of life, the situation of falling back is so worse and sometimes unimaginable how deeper may be the impact it can give to our mind after that. We never know how much its gonna take us unless we really experience it. Yes, the past years of my life or my life as a whole itself had made me realize where i am standing now....

what i have gain till now....

Yes, nothing. Nothing at all. I gained only a couple of hatred from people who once was related to me as very dear ones and now became no longer ones and became part of the unknown crowd around me....and for them i dont care much since i believe they will be only happy without me.

What matters more is the things i have lost during all these years.

 I have lost my love itself which i consider more than my life now also. My friends used to scold me now also for not forgetting all these past things, which i definitely cant and they too know it very well and feels very sad for me. How can one forget a person who is his soul itself. But since all these sadness lives inside me and i cry alone at night, no ones seems to notice and while being with others i am like any other happy person, pasting a smile in my face, being myself a comedian too in time and bringing smile in their faces....i am happy that i am useful in doing atleast that....in spreading happiness around me.

But there are some situations which i find hard to manage and i feel so helpless . Because in the pace of life i failed to complete my studies and so couldn't build a stable career  which more than me, my parents were so expecting. And so i managed to get a small job only with a low pay-scale....My failure in their desired path have caused a lot of sadness in their heart though they didnt express it to me directly. But every occasion in which i attend with my parents, the news which flows from all sides of their colleagues  son being employed in big companies, getting promoted, going abroad, going to have marriage in few months and all makes them feel so low that they even hesitate to answer when someone asks about me to them. Not having the strength to see their faces down and unable to answer, i tried to avoid  attending almost all functions from then. But such situations repeat when some person visit our home too and it will be followed by my parents suggesting me to shift career and make a more better living in time . And every time when such a conversation gets discussed, i cry deep inside my heart that i realize a thousand times that i have failed in fulfilling their wishes....and i feel so down....a feeling generates like i am really unfit for being their son....a person who had broken their dreams....

Yes, i failed in my life so badly....

i dont even have an identity of my own....

The truth is that no one actually needs me now....

I am only causing disturbance or being a trouble for those who are with me now....

Coz i literally failed in achieving anything in life which i can call as my own....

Never wonder my parents too feel sad coz of me since i didnt became what i was meant to....

Its killing me....the very truth.... that no one actually needs my existence....

Thats how my love for music started....

                                  Every one will have a passion for one or more things in their life....I am using a plural form here because,  in my case itself it goes like a pretty long list of passion for music, riding, surfing and a lot. Among them music has been my great companion all these years, by standing by my side in my good as well as my bad times....How and all the love for music started inside me is really interesting.

For me the music was not only a passion of hearing, but also a deep feeling inside of expressing myself the very mood i am in to. May be because of that i possess a set of songs as mood collections itself as my own in my pc as well in the smartphone which i used to hear whenever i am down. And majority of those carry a sad theme since i love the lonely feel a lot. No wonder the song i compose few months back about my lost love also carried the very same theme. But it doesnt mean that i have specific taste in picking music. Actualy my taste are vivid in the case of hearing music. I hear soft serene instrumental as well as hard rock and trance; so its all matters with what mood i am in that time and its true that music has really helped much in that very situation a lot and so never wonder why i am in love with music a lot....

My love for music has an unseen part also in my life, the very own part in which besides from enjoying music i also used to play music, a keyboard to be in particular. I still remember how that sweet love was born in my life. It was during my schoolings that the movie Titanic was  released and like everyone, me too became a great fan of that movie and what dragged me closer to it is the very song and music of the movie. Being a person carrying a love inside unspoken to my sweet baby at that time, this romantic movie has become my dream itself those days. The song My Heart Will Go On performed by Celine Dion has become more like a song inside my heart itself and each time i hear it, i tried hard to get the lyrics clear and sing along ( Remember it was those days wen we had least access to pc itself, so no way of lyrics searching like these days which is at one touch of a click now). And it happened finally like i took a paper and wrote down the lyrics and got it corrected from my friends who too were having the love for the very song, but not as addicted as mine...

It just didnt ended up with memorizing the lyrics of the song and singing along or even recording the same on a cassette recorder, but it really seed the love of playing music also in me. With much difficulty i persuaded my dad who is not interested in letting me in to anything else other than studies, that i want to join the School of Music in my hometown. But with the help of my mom's support i was successful in doing this. From the very start of studying the music notes itself, besides my homework in performing  small sample notes which my music sir had given to practice, i always try to play the very song from Titanic, My Heart Will Go On ,without even knowing which keys are being used, but just listening to the tone produced when i press every key. It may be the love for the song that never made me feel sad ,for the more than hundred times i tried in creating the notes and everytime i failed in creating  it perfectly. But with my constant practice and the added curiosity helped me in creating the notes line by line as day passed on and i manage to complete the full song on my own and i really felt like i am on the top of the world. Really cant describe how happy i was at that time.

The days followed with my performance in keyboard everyday at home and most times the audience were my sister and mom and they were really happy by the way i played. To make the scene more lovely at an enhanced level, i had even connected my keyboard to the output of music system and gave a multiplied feel of effect for the music i play. I never lose the chance to play the same in any situation, if any relative visit to my house or even at school where i was actually not a member of the music group, but when they were in practice room, and my friend was really surprised when i played it in the big keyboard he owned. Yes, the notes i created by hearing the song again and again were so perfect that everyone who came to hear it, appreciated me a lot and some of them even wished to share the notes from me. 

But in pace of life i couldnt keep up the classes nor practicing my keyboard. May be its due to a slight uninteresting approach from my dad's part too that, he felt like i am wasting my time on  music when i was actually meant to study and build my career. In time i was forced to kill the love i have, to perform music and so had to discontinue my music classes and dedicate myself only to my studies. But life always shows it hard part and in my case too, it was no different. Because now i stand without a stable career nor a thorough knowledge in music....which is really painful....adding to the unfulfilled wishes....just another loss in my life....

Now i am no more a performer, but a good listener and sometimes so addictive too to good music; those ones which creep inside my head and makes me feel so good. May be ie why i always wish to enjoy music alone, since i am too shy to even express it in front of others. Its like i used to mock playing a keyboard in my empty table itself while enjoying the song or even perform some dance steps of my own. To be precise i have even specific songs to hear at different moods to console myself and hearing it over and over really helps me a lot....sometimes even more than the consoling words from a friend itself....

Today also i can quote this music of Titanic as the very best i have heard in my entire life.  The one which made me fall in love with music who is my lonely companion now. When James Cameroon created a love symbol as a movie itself, actually James Horner has created a music of Love itself and may be ie why it still sings inside the heart of every lover forever and ever....

This is the one i tried playing on my keyboard at that time:

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Video Link - Titanic Rose Theme ( The Portrait )

I dont Need you is Just a Click Away

When come to discussion of maintaining relationships, involving serious fights in time and getting separated is common these days. It just depends on how long the matter takes to settle down and compromise or just bid bye and carry on with their own pace of life. 

The most crucial part in such a scenario is how the situation gets dragged in between them and how really both of them wants it to happen that way or just get it finalized soon. Earlier it was like the serious talks, which gradually result in a fighting scene usually happen so directly; at least they can see their faces and realize how rage and anger or is there still any hope of love, fills it as a whole which in return also helps in making a decision so clear. That an Yes or No. With the development of technology in communication media, the so called situation gradually got shifted as talks through phone for long hours. It also had an added advantage that they dont have to see their faces and so they can just throw those  hard words in to talk very easily which they found hard to express in direct talk and hence the feelings too....

It clearly shows that the technical advancements in meeting people have only helped to getting out of relation also so simple than earlier. And the latest one in this queue is the Social Networking. Its true that the social networking helps in making relations with almost anyone in this world in a matter of few seconds and the very next moment they together are on their way of living life sharing thoughts, pics , videos and almost anything. It has both positive and negative parts by doing so, since it can also result in invading the privacy of one's life, anyway i am not going deep in to it, since i feel like i am slightly deviating from my own topic itself. Ya, about relations getting broken.

When any social networking site is taken in to consideration, it almost follow the same pattern of adding friends, grouping them according to the classifications and at-last setting privacy over them, according to the priority you give them to have individual access to stuff like photos and videos you add in your profile in time. What everyone least noticed at the time of these kind of social networking sites launch is that, there is also a " Remove Friend " button located once a person got added in to your friends list. Earlier people have wondered the necessity of that button since the thoughts and feelings of people were so broad at that time and they really felt it like they wouldn't have to use it anytime . Now the situation has changed  and its sad to know that the so called 'button' which was actually questioned for its necessity earlier, has been in to use so frequently that, it really helped in one way or another to get out of relation so easy....

It helped them avoid a lot of unnecessary talks....

It virtually setup an environment so that they didnt have to submit any clarification  for why they are doing this....

It actually reduced the chances of getting back in to relation again, which in some cases direct talks have resulted, since they can read their emotions from their eyes itself while fighting and so they forgive themselves once again....

It helps in breaking a relation so easy and also letting the mess happened to know among all the other friends too in the friends list,  so that they dont have to explain it to them also....

Can we call this as an added feature?? Can we call this as an achievement?

What ever may be my question... its now very clear that...breaking relation is not that much tedious as early....

Ya..a decision of I don't need you is just a click away!!!