Breathing memories every moment. . . .

I would be faking if I say that I am ok, I am happy etc, but what's more confusing is that I cant recognize whether I am in pain or unhappy. I am in a state of mind driven by thoughts and memories that I can hardly distinguish between virtual world and reality.

 

Pic Courtesy : Google

As the very first letter of your name gives me a startle from within even now, there is nothing more left to explain how much I'm adoring you even now from inside though I'm not explicitly showing it. It may be my strong feeling or decision which have paved me to build a state of mind like this knowingly or unknowingly.

Pic Courtesy : Google

Your name carved on my hand  reminds me every  moment, the purity of love we shared those days and how much our life were meant for each other. A mere touch over it gives me a startle feeling inside now also, as if I am touching you itself.

It will be there, now and forever not for being showcased, but as a sweet memento of a wonderful time, a beautiful feeling to make me assure the presence of divine love in my life. . . those days when I felt that I am  actually alive. . . .

Losing the love for life. . . .

                                   

Pic Courtesy : Google

The very thought strikes like a hard blow on head, but nevertheless it can be stated in any other way as every second of my life turns out to be a reminder of the same. May be everything is just an illusion and all I need is to wake-up and realize that everything was just a nightmare. . . But deep inside I know its not.

  

Is it true that a single life is not enough to experience everything in this world? I think it differs with perspective and we can hardly get an answer. Because it has to be considered that experiencing and understanding are two different sides of the same coin and the latter consumes a significant portion of our life to achieve. And while doing so the end result is still far from acceptable.

   

Pic Courtesy : Google

Every time I have been puzzled at the very question that, what I have been doing in my entire life?
Am I doing something for myself or for others?
Am I really happy in time or just making myself believe that I'm so.
That's were the acceptance of life matters. We people keep on doing things for others most of the time just for a mere impression and literally fails every time to hear what our mind have to convey. 

If I have listened to that earlier, I wouldn't have dragged my life this much far. . . .

When you are Lost. . . .

Pic Source : Google

"People changes with time" , it's a saying we hear often and few people would have even seen that personally in their life. It's more like a usual thing happening in different stages of life and people are least bothered about it these days. But there are few people who failed to escape from the shackles of different incidents in their life and gets trapped in their memories forever. . a very handful of people. . .  Like me.

Life is supposed to be a mixture of both happiness and sorrows and it's only the lucky few who gets the blessing to stay happy forever. Others taste the bitter experience and still manage to move on either by cursing the fate or by just hoping that everything will be alright soon. It's been years since i have lost the most precious treasure in my life and I still can't figure out that, am I walking away from it for a new life now or moving more and more deeper inside and getting lost in memories. . .

Pic Source: Google

I too had dreams, may be more bigger than what my little heart can hold on that time and i still didn't let it go. It's said like when come to love, people becomes more childish and their world gets shrunk to their little dream world in which only two of them will be there; the cute little world full of love, where the only thing it matters is their beautiful relation. And one day when the truth hits a hard blow that, their world cease to exist, they fail to accept the reality and try to cling on to their belief that its all just a dream & when you wake up, everything will be alright. . . 

I am tired of hearing the word "Move on" from everyone who knows me, who cares me, But least they understand that finally when i tried doing just like they all wanted, after all these years, i terribly lost the pace & i felt like i am some other person.

Pic Source : Google

I realize that i am getting lost in memories, 

i am realizing that i am living more in past than in my present,

i am realizing that i am getting lost in myself for a life which now exist only in my dream,

But still i feel more secure in being myself left alone in my world than becoming someone i hardly know. . . 

May be i am Lost. . . 

Smile. . . i can see it everywhere and inside me too now

       Its said like few surprises carry a deep effect that it can make you feel totally forget yourself for a while. And if that is something which you have least expected since a long time, the effect it can bring to your mind is truly mesmerizing to such a level that, we fail to express it in words. That's how i felt when i saw her pic after a long time . . a very long time.

     

Pic Source : Google

 A portrait is something which can be grabbed easily with even a mobile camera  in a couple of seconds, but it matters much if the person whom we wish to be near is long lost years before, even before when the camera feature in mobile was considered as a luxury and not reachable to common men. Yeah, i belong to that decade when we were fancying around with Walkman in pockets & analog camera in hands. And being dependent on the family that time, its natural that i couldn't even use it take snaps like i wish & the few ones i managed to take with help of our friends too was lost when we had part years before. .But it has least impact on me since i have never felt the absence of a pic to remember her , because her face is stored deep inside me.

Pic Source : Google

Its really interesting that when i noted the date of the pic, it was shared exactly an year ago before today, in social networking site when she had gone outing with her better half. It was only me who was late to check it as i have stopped searching about her whereabouts long before itself to keep my promise to her family that i will never disturb her nor her life. Its so beautiful to know that their family have grown with the blessings of almighty and is blessed with a little kid too. The smile in their faces shows how much gifted their life is and i feel so happy inside that finally all the pains i have gone through these years after the breakup have not been in vain. Because i may not have been able to provide a stable and lovely life she is enjoying now, by mind , by health and everything. . .

  Life is truly interesting and it makes me smile when i think of each and every beautiful moments i have been through, the smiles i have shared with my lost love when she was around me & the smile which is filling my face when i see her pic on screen now. . .

Pic Source : Google

And now also i don't have to keep her pic, as her face is already inside my heart as the most beautiful portrait i have drawn . . and her name imprint on my hand still hold as the most beautiful art  i cherish every moment i see it, as the living memory of the most beautiful time in my life . . .    

Keep smiling. . .

   

  

Life is sometimes just the days of countdown to death

                 

Pic Source: Google

In a beautiful world filled with lots of unique identities and supernatural things, it would be taken as uncommon if i say that there is nothing worth to live here anymore. But the fact is that if a person have spent his entire lifetime devoted to a particular person through a magical feeling called love, then if at anytime a situation comes like his soul-mate is not gonna be with him anymore, then for that person the so called beautiful world and supernatural things matters nothing; because their entire world have been shut down from his life making him blind forever. Such people have no world to explore but have miles and miles of thoughts to explore from within.



       

Pic Source: Google

 Solitude is a beautiful feeling to cherish, if one attains to gain control over it through years of silent practice as their every step of life is associated with it making it a perfect mold in time. Its more like composing a music which our heart wishes to play in every heartbeat and the perfect sync is achieved in time making the life more smoother. But time brings changes in everything and certainly life too and there comes moments when music will play off the beat and yet we will feel like our life is flying high. Emotions and feelings play a wonderful bonding with heart during this period making the people so close that they cant literally separate themselves. But at the same time relationship would have gone sensitive to that much level that even a slight misunderstanding will result in a catastrophe. Its that moment when the sweetness delivered by a relation is shadowed by the challenging situations itself to maintain the relation because of repeated misunderstanding and small fights.

Pic Source: Google

Whats more important to be taken in to account is that to whatever situation this fights may proceed in time, we should never ever involve a third person in to this scenario even for a compromise. Because it will only increase more timely issues to arise even as ego clashes which will kill the relation so brutally. Then wondering how this situation will be overcome? Purely by dedication to their love for themselves inside heart which exist deep rooted inside making a perfect magnetic bond keeping them close. But sadly time have the power to bring changes in that too and and a perfect comeback of a relation at state depends on luck too sometimes.

Pic Source : Google

So all i wish to say is that, Life is something which we should learn to accept and believe that changes can happens at anytime making the entire flow turbulent and sometimes may even push to situations like there is no hope ahead. Lets accept the fact and move on and make the gifted life of god more meaningful and appreciable. No one will love to remember sad moments, but happy moments can make even a sad person feel different and gift him at-least one minute of pleasure. With a positive hope keep on going and  as everyday we pass on we are just getting one day more close to death. . .




Yes, the count down of death have began the moment you are born, so just make yourself feel worthy of every single day you live. . .

feelings conveyed by,
A soul dead a decade before. . . .

Am i mistaken for my smile also now?

Pic Source : Google

Problems in life have not been a new thing for me and like everyone me also have to undergo a series of it, all these years. The only thing is that i was not able to manage it with a strong heart since i used to get broken down even with a slightest push. The strongest decisions and visions of my life remained just in words and when comes to relations i used to fall deep down so miserably and i have been always hungry like a small baby itself craving for unconditional love.

I know that in a practical world like today, a person like me is literally a dumb if i start thinking like this and really have no space to live among others. Still i manage to survive here with a vague wish that i will be able to find a world around me in the way i wish, with only the people i care and love. The fact is that, it remained as a virtual world itself inside me, which was never gonna practical and the only way to get it done is by changing my life itself, in other words faking it out.

Pic Source : Google

Faking an entire life itself, was not an easy thing since in time i have been loosing myself in the process of becoming the person what i am not really. But it was also interesting that the goal of that fake life was so simple. Just to forget all the tensions and spread happiness and smile. As a nonstop talker, things was so easy for me since i don't even find hiccup in starting conversation with even a total stranger. The new way of life gave me an interesting label and more like an award itself among the people i interact as the most entertaining person itself. To say frankly i have fallen in love with my fake life a lot that i have started living through it the entire day. The sadness and confused thoughts which used to live within me got concealed in myself and never did i allow anyone to open it. Yeah, i started finding happiness in making others smile and smiling at myself too. I was just trying to make this short lived feeling get stretched in to my entire life itself so that i can carry on like this forever. Truly i was following my heart more than what my brain was telling that time. 

Pic Source : Google

But least did i even imagine in my dreams that i will be pushed aside even by the people who knows me very well because of the change happened in my life that they will take it for granted that my life is ultra cool and i have even forgot thinking about them or their life. My craziness behavior have left them thinking that i have even stopped bothering about the problems they were going through their life. Least they try to understand the fact that under this funny mask, i am carrying a bundle of sadness which i have decided in prior that i will never ever share it with anyone other than myself. Good or bad i was ready to be the reason for what i become in time.

Pic Source : Google

I am now standing devastated in the middle of this big world as a big clown who is ought to smile only because i have enjoyed doing it regardless of time and now there is no going back to since there is no life there too. Also i am so tired of sharing whats really going inside my mind since it will help to increase pain only and also make others too sad which i certainly don't wish to do. I have stopped thinking about whats real and virtual now and all i wish is to live each and everyday with a feeling to carry on myself. .

 

Me only

You may call me looser, but now i am in a state that i cant differentiate whats winning from loosing. But i love what i am doing now by creating a virtual world around me. I have been true to myself all the time while writing this blog. Because now this is the only place where i am seeing myself at-least for a while. . .And back in the life out there as the craziest man in my fake life, i don't see it as fake anymore , because it have also become my life itself now, more like the only life for me now which i am falling in love as days passes. . . .

I hide my tears in my smile. . . :~)

Pic Source : Google

Life would be have been so cool if everything happens just in the way we wish. But natures rule is never like that and not a single person have any idea of whats in-stored for  him in future though he is trying hard to fulfill his dreams. I am no super human and all these applies to me also, the only difference is that i have gone through even more weird situations where the destiny have turned myself down twice. . .

Pic Source : Google

Life is pretty hard to live if we have already forgotten how to make it through, since you have lost the love for living it. Its like living in a world, where even minute things matters to others a lot, we will be hardly noticing how our life itself is skipping away from our hands. And the weirdest part of it is that, people who hardly know about what we are going through will simply pass on advises and comments in a humiliating manner too sometimes that we don't even wish to talk with them again. I never carry hatred for any person who have hurted in my life, instead i will simply forget them in such a way that they will slowly fade even from my memories. Its actually a bless in having a memory loss in situations like this that, we don't have to try hard for that also. But certain things which we have valued more than our life itself will stay in our memories regardless of time and its like it would have become a part of our virtual world itself. . . the most painful ones.

Pic Source : Google

A smile which is so naturally and has to happen from inside is what i have been missing these days and still i am managing myself to push through the pace of life though occasionally i feel a lot more down. Its like falling from the cliff of a mountain and there is nothing to support us and nevertheless i wish for it too. The lost of love for my life have made me in to something  or a different person itself which i hardly understand these days. Its not a new thing for me since i have been going through such a scenario for past few years that, living a fake life is not a big thing for me. But when life itself starts playing with our emotions by magically bringing so many persons close to us, make us feel rich with their love and suddenly make them disappear from our life one day, its makes us feel like our destiny is already written and things like this happens repeatedly only to remind us that we have to accept all these pains. . .

Pic Source : Google

It may seems like my arrogant nature or firm decision that i never wish to bring anyone down with my way of approach by sharing my situation of life, but instead i wish to make everyone happy and its the least thing i can do. Ever since my school days and then in to college days i have been known among my buddies as the person who is able to change the entire scene in to a laughter by my usual witty nature of talk. Things didn't change when i start working also after my studies and all these time, i have been so keen to be like the same though the situations in my life changed a lot. Its more or like i am able to hide myself inside with my way of talking and it helped me a lot from the numerous questions which i would otherwise have to answer in time. It has more or less have become a routine itself that i started feeling good about doing things this way.

Pic Source : Google

It may be so surprising for those who knows least about me that behind all those witty way of talk and gestures which i made in time in teasing and pulling others leg for fun and all, there is a painful part of my heart, an unseen portion which is ardently wishing to hide itself from everyone so that no one notices its tears. This heart which have lost everything in its way of life and have only one thing to keep it alive. . by spreading smiles and laughter's and making himself assure that so many people are feeling happy by doing so. In this big world outside filled with hatred and broken promises and unexpected happenings, a lot may be finding so lonely and seeking a small portion of happiness, feeling so down of the current life they may be going through, i will be there to make them smile, to forget their tension atleast for the time being, be one among them, make them laugh and feel like they are not alone in this world and tell them that the world is not that much bad as they have seen it. . .

Pic Source : Google

May be that's why god have blessed me with that kinda dual persona in making me completely two different persons and isolating one from the other such that my sadness will never overshadow the people who trust me, who love me, who wants to be in touch with me and my only purpose is to make them feel rich with my love and care and make them happy and smile no matter where they belong, where they are from or how long will they stays in my life. But one thing is sure, i will never make them sad because of me, but instead i will tease them, poke them, make them smile, like their buddy, like a big brother and sometimes like a mischievous kid. . . Coz that's what i am made for, that's what my purpose is here. . .and that's the only thing i love to do now. For how long i don't know, but its helping me a lot in moving on with my life . And hence giving birth to the ultra crazy nature of mine through a totally different mask!!

i myself, Nocturnal Idiot  signing off to spread more crazy smiles. . . :~) 

Yes - Im Totally Blank

Not everyday is the same and energetic though we wished to and for me also its not different. Some days are like totally blank. . . . a state of vacuum. . . . empty thoughts and absence of any feelings for anyone. . being uninterrupted i may be unaware of how i got in to that state of mind or how many hours or days i have been filled with . Its like i lost myself inside. Its easy to tell that we can get rid of this situation through many ways, but the truth is that we don't wish it to end. . . coz what bothers and troubles are not unwanted things, but the very own thoughts and memories of our dear ones who were once our everything in our life. . . .

Its true that memories are sweet only when the people whom we love are with us and its really painful when they no longer belong to us. There are moments when we truly wish that how cool it would it have been if life has a rewind button so that we can go back to past and make everything alright. But some incidents and happenings are meant to be in the way only in which they have happened now. With due respect we should understand it and keep going like i am trying to do now. . . .though i realize that i feel like falling in time. . . .

I am really wondering whether i have loved my baby, my lost love this much when we were actually in love years before. Coz i am really missing each and every portion of those sweet moments we had when we were together. Though my senses used to tell that it all belongs to past and i have to keep going forgetting everything, my inner mind says don't believe that. .you are just inside a dream. .your world have not been shattered. . . . its just a bad dream and when you wake up everything is going to be normal and you are going to be back with your sweet baby. . . .and the fact is that i wish to believe it in that way only though i know its never gonna happen. . . .

Today my life is proceeding in an unknown direction with no specific destination or goal and i least bother about it also. The idea of falling in love once again or even get married like my family members insist also is not getting inside my head. Though i have a lot of girl friends now i have not felt any one special to be called as my own or even a slight interest to fall in love with any of them. . . .its like when my love life got broke up, i have also forget how to love. . . . with a bunch of buddies near and far i am now experiencing an irony situation of being alone even in their presence coz i cant open my heart fully to any of them. . . .all they know about me and believe is that i am a jovial person full of passion, freaking out and enjoying life to its extent while i am really craving for my true love inside. . . . 

Yes to say true besides the confused thoughts i carry all the time without sharing it with anyone, i'm totally blank!!!

Some days will just simply tell us, how unlucky we are!!

In day to day life, some days just pass by leaving a great note of realization, a kinda too disturbing also leaving us too down. Its not because of the fact that it happened, but a hard truth that its happening again and again and making us force to believe how unlucky we are. . . here in this case just me.

Though i earn a very little amount of money compared to the education degree i hold, i have the habit of spending money on goodies worth useful for me as well as for my family. Because of this habit i have bought so many house hold items as well as stuff for me in time. My last purchase done the previous month was a pair of Woodland shoes. Though it was a bit more expensive than the budget i have set earlier in mind, i just bought it hoping it would last for  pretty long time. Because i had a very bad experience with shoes in past 6 months which forced me to buy two pair of shoes during that time!! So i don't wish to make the same mistake again and so finalized this one. 

When the month of December began, i was little confused of what will be my next hit on purchase. It was when i noticed that my dad used to hear music most of the time when he is at home and instead of the stereo we have, he used to enjoy music from his phone with the help of two Creative speakers of my old PC placed in the closed front portion of our home. It was when the idea of buying a Home Theater system strike my mind. Though i have 5.1 speakers for my PC, i thought another home theater will satisfy the need and also will make my dad happy if i buy it as a surprised gift. So like a target or goal, i had set buying a home theater as my this months click. Now what left was the search for a pretty good and also affordable one.

My search began with a simple word of mouth of the reviews from my friends who own home theater systems to pretty extensive search and comparison in internet. Visited few shops also in the previous week related to this, but still i couldn't settle down with a model of my choice. It was all of sudden that situations changed when i was helping out my friend the previous day in purchasing a stuff that i came through one of the home theater i had thought of buying. Of course the specifications  it hold was appealing and within my range that i almost finalized buying it in the very first sight itself. Since i had came in bike and cant carry the box, i thought of coming in car the very next day and make the deal done. 

The day began as normal but i was a bit excited than ever since i was going to purchase a new stuff for home. Came to office in car managing the question of my dad for why taking car with a single reply that i have little purchase to do. My buddy too was assisting me for the purchase with  her one year old son. The little one was too crazy that he was running and exploring each corner of the shop, and also being fascinated by his reflection in the mirror around. Things went fine and i made the purchase along with few stuff my friend too had to purchase. The home theater was company packed and the dealer  assured that currently they don't have any setup for checking the system using a dvd player and told like there is no need to check it as problems have never/least been encountered and assured me complete assistance if any such situation arises. Moreover a casual talk while settling the money help me know that the dealer was actually dad of one of our students in our institution. This made me feel the deal more reliable and took the home theater with out checking. It's for that very moment, i repent now for making the mistake by doing so.

Everyone at home was really happy to receive this new addition to the entertainment wing. The next couple of hours was filled with music treat checking out different movie titles using the player and also getting an audio output from TV. It was really a nice experience to hear our day to day programs on different channels through this home theater output. It was then i found a serious problem unnoticed till that moment. The device was not recognizing or reading pen drive input. Though the device selection mode and everything was perfect, this thing was not just getting in to track and i was becoming impatient as time passed. Earlier i thought like may be the pen drive input mode will take pretty time to read and start playing and assured myself. But as minutes passed i realized that its not going to make it. In vain i tried all possibilities of trying to play pen drive with less number of tracks thinking large number of tracks is costing time but the result was the same and finally i gave up. All the happiness i had till that moment was gone and i cursed myself for not checking the home theater from the shop itself at the time of purchase. When i checked the dealer via phone about the situation encountered he told it will take around three days for the problem to get solved, but assured me that he will replace the set if the one i bought is defective. The reason he gave me for taking three days is that my home is situated away from town and the service engineer was on tight schedule that he cant visit places. He promised to have a call back tomorrow and tell if i have figured out the problem with any settings if any, but i am already sure that its not with the settings but the hardware part itself. 

Its a simple incident happened today and actually there is nothing to worry since even the dealer itself have promised to get the problem solved though it will take few days. Moreover i can bargain over the situation and can even change the model since its a brand new product that i have purchased, but deep inside i was feeling bad of what happened. . a sick feeling that why this really happened? Everything was fine a few moments earlier and i was in peak of satisfaction in making my family members happy with a new gift for them which now turned out to be a real unpleasant situation that just left me with confused thoughts. Because this is not the first time i am encountering such a problem. Most of the the time when i make a purchase of electronic gadgets it has presented me the same situation and i have to take the stuff back to the shop. Its now more like a routine for me facing such wicked situations and i am really fed up of it, because its making me believe how unlucky i am. . .  and leaving me with a simple question. . .why always me??

The rhythm of my heart. . . .

Have you ever done something so simple and yet you feel like you are too much absorbed in it all the time while doing so? If yes, i am sure that you would have felt so much great after that and would be surprised, how come you miss such a beautiful feeling all these years. Because today, i also became a part of such a moment; too unexpected which made me really excited and filled my heart with joy for a long time. . . .

As the power failure has became a routine since past few days, i used to pack that half an hour by having dinner and so when the power is back, i can rejoin my social networking world sharing everyday fun with my buddies. Though i can access my buddies via phone to interact with them in Facebook or send sms, i have reduced that habit since typing has become a little more tedious process for me bcoz of my RA and so i depend on my PC keyboard for doing all these stuff via Bluetooth. So i just started considering that half an hour as an interval from all the stuff i am doing. My mom is also happy about this, since i will have food in right time and also right place, because usually i used to have food from my bedroom only, sitting in front of the PC, either watching a movie or interacting with my buddies via Social networking. These kinda things brings surprise to my new buddies, but for those who are in touch with me for a long time, knows very well how much crazy i am and my PC addiction!! :)

Today when the power went off at 9:30pm, may be it's because my mom was involved in a serious discussion with my dad that, she really forgot to call me for dinner. Since i don't wish to interrupt their conversation, i thought of lying in my bed for a while and plan to call her later. Since i was a bit tired than normal today bcoz of my degrading health condition, i lied in the bed facing my head down. It was a bit difficult for the first few seconds since i could hardly take my breath inside and i could also feel the gush of air intake and exhale. Without knowing a specific reason for lying in that manner i continue to do so, out of curiosity as i felt the breathing pattern too interesting. Truly saying i used to do like this when i was so young, studying in school and i was fond of making sounds by lying in this manner. The only reason is that each sound i make in that way is too sensitive to ears and i could really feel the thump effect of my voice!! What more is needed for a 10 year old child to feel excited and do it again and again? But that was 18 years before and it has no significance to my current life. . Bcoz of a fact which i hardly believe now also, that i have grown up.

By lying in the same posture for a few minutes, It was when i started noticing that i can really feel the beat of my heart. The more i started listening to it the more i got excited. It even made me feel like its following some pattern than normal. What could that actually be? It was definitely not similar to some collective beats as we see in some music videos. But indeed it has a flow far different from all that. . a flow which had silence for few seconds. .then a continuous overflow for few seconds and it was interesting that it was not following a regular pattern! It would have become a matter of fear and confusion for me, But i find it interesting and closely started observing its nature. I started picturising the beats as too personal and it is actually speaking to me. . felt like it's answering my questions. . felt like it is desperately waiting to do this since a long time. . and i could sense the beat just like a person's way of talking. . following a low tone and high tone approach. . Never did i even imagined the fact that the thing called heart can make you feel puzzled like this. .

 I may be crazy thinking all this way, doing stuff which will make others feel like i am experiencing some kinda problem. . . .a kinda psychic. . . .but i really care least for that since what i experienced,  though for a short time is a wonderful world!! An experience which made me feel heaven and surprised me by making me realize a fact that i have a true companion within me, who is so desperately in need  of my company. . . . I can hardly distinguish this from dream or reality, bcoz when i got up from my bed i could feel my heart is pounding with joy. . a unique experience which cant be described in words. . .making me smile all the time. . . .while i could still hear the faint voice of my mom calling me for having dinner. . . .

A flower that failed to bloom. . . .

" With lots of hope they raised a plant. . . .

They watered it regularly. . . .

Choosed the best place where it can grow freely. . . . 

Provided it with the required need of sunlight and materials. . . .

As each day passed, they were excited about the growth of it. . . .

Happiness started filling their heart. . . . 

Hopes began to design dreams inside them. . 

Among the cluster of the whole garden ,  they anxiously waited for this very own plant of them to bloom a beautiful flower to add colors to their life. . . .

But the flower didnt bloom in the desired time. . . .

Excitement changed to anxiety. . . .

Still they didnt gave up. . . .

They prayed to god, helped the plant more to live. . . .

But the truth was something which they coudnt accept. . . .

The very plant could never bloom flowers. . . . 

And the worst part is that , it is getting rotten as day passes. . . . 

The sweetness of life is getting faded off slowly from it . . . .

The plant seems to get separated from the cluster of garden. . . .

With the disease crept all over it, the plant is realizing his fate. . . .

But hiding his sadness, it seems to spread happiness all over the garden. . . .

And everyone around joins him but failed  to notice the tears hidden behind the eyes. . . .

The very plant which is ought to bloom beautiful flowers is finding hard even to live a normal life. . . . 

They are heartbroken seeing the plant's condition. . . . 

The very plant upon which they had built hopes is slowly becoming their burden. . . . 

The plant could do nothing now. . . .

But wishing to fall on to the ground, the earliest. . . . "

PS: Living with a disease is really painful. But what hurts more is the realization of the fact that, we are causing a lot of sadness to others also who are around us. . . 

- Renju

Am i faking out my life ?

Life is not the same anymore and is definitely not like i have expected or dreamed earlier. The beautiful life i have built inside my heart with my loved one, the wonderful world in which only we both loved each other more than anything else is a past thing now. Its just like any other love story which ended in a not so good way. For others it may be just a story, but only a few know that my heart which got broken that time is shattered in to pieces in such a way that it wont ever find peace again. The reason being me for the breakup for her good, i took the whole responsibility of what had happened and made myself a person with stone heart.  That time, only one thing was there in my mind, that i have done what is right for her family, what is good for her, a beautiful and secure life afterwards with a promising person than being with me. But what will happen to me after that, i was unsure, still believing that i can go through these hard times. Though i was aware of this situation earlier and prepared mentally for it, its too hard when the reality shows up and i am realizing that i am loosing myself slowly as days pass on.

Its been almost seven months since i have even posted anything in my blog. Not because i don't have anything in particular to express; But the truth is just the opposite. I have been creating hundreds of thoughts inside my mind, of every occasion i have felt special, every moment which made me happy and those hard time in which i have felt like falling down. .And it was the sad moments which comes more often making me feel so lonely. . But. . i just couldn't put those in to words or express to anyone. . .Because i know very well that i have nothing to share with them but a bunch of sadness and some disappointing situations of my life which can only bring tears in their eyes. . Should i really hurt my dear ones by telling all these? And that too for a thing i clearly know that, is not gonna be the same as i have dreamed off.

And the solution i found to make people feel different of me is to make myself the best comedian they have ever seen and thus making the sadness inside me get unnoticed. I shared funny times with my dear ones, by even cracking jokes about myself, dragging everyone in to conversations pulling others legs with witty numbers and thus making a real mess itself all the time. As time passed, i got more used to it and the number of people who started mingling with me also increased making me feel so relieved that i am in one way or other becoming a sweet essence in their happy life. This cluster of dear ones includes my family members, my classmates, my colleagues, my students and literally everyone with whom i come through in my day to day life. With the interaction in social networking i was able to do this even more by hanging out with them all the time and just like i had expected everyone started taking it in a positive manner and enjoyed my company. . . .

 

Only a few among them who became so close to me really know what was going through my mind all the time. . . .only that handful number of my friends know the real me and the the painful fact that i am pasting a smile in front of everyone and making them happy, while the immense sadness is buried deep inside my heart forever. . . .

It has now became my character or my way of life itself and people have started believing me that i am like this only. . An easy go. . no tension. . always happy guy. .Its definitely something i had to feel proud off since everything  worked just like i have expected. . . .

But in real what's happening to me??

Its like i am forgetting who i am in real!

which poses a big question in front of me. . . .

Am i faking out my life??