Life has to go on. . . .

 Sometimes this may be the last post of me about my lost love. . . .because even though  i wish, i dont have the right to do so anymore. . . .i miss you baby. . .



 
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Video Link : Life has to go on. . . . - Renju

Being a soulkeeper. . . .

Pic Courtesy : Google

There are some faces which flash before my eyes in time. . . .So unfamiliar. . . So distant. . . .but still holding an invisible thread of relation which binds my heart so close to them and making me feel like their own. . . .a feeling so gifted, which even the people surrounding me failed to give in time. . . .Yes, the Pet who couldnt even speak, expecting nothing from us, but loves us the more than we actually give them. . . . The unconditional love of them for which i am debted every minute of the life. . . . But there are also those who couldnt enjoy the privilege of being inside a home and the comfort of being owned. . . We call them stray dogs. . . .

Pic Courtesy : Google

The journey to my workplace everyday consist of a ride of few kilometers and during this i used to meet a lot of these familiar faces. Each one on their own, searching for food for them as well as for their little ones. They dont know me, they would have hardly noticed me anyway. But they never knew that they are filled inside my thoughts for few moments everyday. The way they used to play near road side brings smile in my face and i used to thank them for it. The very sight of them laying asleep so tired on the side of the road used to make me feel love for them. In time i am also worried about the fact that, since they are lying near the highway, they may be harmed and their death in time due to road accidents is what really hits like shock for me and i feel so down.

Pic Courtesy : Google

In the routine drive, this shock used to hit me once in a while and i just dont know what to do in that very moment. Its only the prayers which helped me to get through the situation. And in time it became a habit of me to chant prayers when ever i see the death of them and i never stop chanting  Ohm Namah Shivaya (Panchakshara Mantra of lord Shiva ) until i reach my destination. It gives me a feeling like i am performing the last rituals of them to find peace after death. I even used to visualize the scene of their souls being carried to heaven slowly as my chanting progress. My eyes used to get filled with tears blurring my vision by the time i reach my destination, but deep inside my heart i would be filled with so much love for them that, i could even see their silent faces conveying farewell to me. . . . those calm eyes thanking me. . . . may be they too would have felt me so closely to them at that moment.

Pic Courtesy : Google

Its told like when being left alone in life, by dear ones, then only we care for things around us like these. May be its true because, in my lonely life chosen by my wish,  i have only things like these as companion now and they are making me feel so comfortable. . . . filling my lonely heart with their thoughts. . . . and i love being their soulkeeper. . . . helping their souls to reach heaven with my prayers. . . . and i used to dream of them as the only persons who would be up there with god, waiting to receive me and shower me with their unconditional love. . . .

Some days are never meant to be forgotten like Oct 29th for me

While being in love everyday is meant to be more and more special and its true. Even then there are days which they love more to cherish, celebrate and enjoy wholeheartedly. Yes, the day when they started their life together, the day when they opened their mind & proposed. . . .and for me its on an Oct 29th ten years ago. . . . Even though we got broke up few years back, the love i have for her has only multiplied a thousand times inside my heart that, i am still living in memories of her. . . .living a virtual life created with the moments, i keep close to my heart as the most valuable treasure in my life.

 Falling in love with a person is so beautiful and it happens so unexpectedly in our life that, the joy it brings inside us is really awesome and words are really insufficient to express those feelings. . . .just like the day when i first met my love. . . .Keeping that love securely inside my mind and enjoying the way i care for it, my heart was able to express it openly to her only a few years later on 29th Oct 2000. Though i was standing as a school boy at that time with no major responsibilities to hold other than studying, the love i have for her had grown in immense inside my heart that i was taking this major step in my life wholeheartedly with the trust and love i have for her and the belief in god. And now also i know that, it is a correct decision only because she is the only one who is still living in my heart.

The day 29th carried such a significance in our love life that, we used to celebrate almost every month by sending cards and long letters and for the anniversary used to share gifts and make the day memorable. . . Our seven years of love life has gifted me the most memorable moments in my life in such a way that i just cant forget her. Never had i thought in my life that i will loose her and the Oct 29th becomes just another normal day with loneliness as my only company. Those cards and letters which i have sent her were all returned back to me at the time of our breakup and they are still with me as the most valuable treasure in my life, though i dont have the courage enough to read it again. . . may be in future i will ,when i will be leaving this world forever with closed eyes imagining her to be my side bidding me bye forever.

I dont want to blame the fate for what i am now, because  it was me who decided and forced myself to leave her from my life few years back for her family, and it seems to be a right decision since it had helped her in achieving goal in her life though deep inside i dont know whether she is missing me atleast for a moment. . . .and for that moment i wish i have my life completed since she is the most precious gift God has ever given me in my entire life. . . .

The truth that i am no longer needed by anyone, kills me every moment....

Living in this world according to their own wish is what people dream everyday and to be precise, in every moment of their life. Yes, building a life beyond what we dream and for reaching there, every person tries hard and strive well against all the obstacles we face in the way. The obstacles can take the form of inadequate money, challenging situations and a lot. And its true that after facing all the difficulties, only a few manage to reach their goals; others literally fail, some lost hope, some fall behind and there lies among those who had fallen to the ground helpless, my name too, the very person who carried an entire world itself inside once....

The law of either to win or lose is a rule in every game, but when come to the case of life, the situation of falling back is so worse and sometimes unimaginable how deeper may be the impact it can give to our mind after that. We never know how much its gonna take us unless we really experience it. Yes, the past years of my life or my life as a whole itself had made me realize where i am standing now....

what i have gain till now....

Yes, nothing. Nothing at all. I gained only a couple of hatred from people who once was related to me as very dear ones and now became no longer ones and became part of the unknown crowd around me....and for them i dont care much since i believe they will be only happy without me.

What matters more is the things i have lost during all these years.

 I have lost my love itself which i consider more than my life now also. My friends used to scold me now also for not forgetting all these past things, which i definitely cant and they too know it very well and feels very sad for me. How can one forget a person who is his soul itself. But since all these sadness lives inside me and i cry alone at night, no ones seems to notice and while being with others i am like any other happy person, pasting a smile in my face, being myself a comedian too in time and bringing smile in their faces....i am happy that i am useful in doing atleast that....in spreading happiness around me.

But there are some situations which i find hard to manage and i feel so helpless . Because in the pace of life i failed to complete my studies and so couldn't build a stable career  which more than me, my parents were so expecting. And so i managed to get a small job only with a low pay-scale....My failure in their desired path have caused a lot of sadness in their heart though they didnt express it to me directly. But every occasion in which i attend with my parents, the news which flows from all sides of their colleagues  son being employed in big companies, getting promoted, going abroad, going to have marriage in few months and all makes them feel so low that they even hesitate to answer when someone asks about me to them. Not having the strength to see their faces down and unable to answer, i tried to avoid  attending almost all functions from then. But such situations repeat when some person visit our home too and it will be followed by my parents suggesting me to shift career and make a more better living in time . And every time when such a conversation gets discussed, i cry deep inside my heart that i realize a thousand times that i have failed in fulfilling their wishes....and i feel so down....a feeling generates like i am really unfit for being their son....a person who had broken their dreams....

Yes, i failed in my life so badly....

i dont even have an identity of my own....

The truth is that no one actually needs me now....

I am only causing disturbance or being a trouble for those who are with me now....

Coz i literally failed in achieving anything in life which i can call as my own....

Never wonder my parents too feel sad coz of me since i didnt became what i was meant to....

Its killing me....the very truth.... that no one actually needs my existence....

Thats how my love for music started....

                                  Every one will have a passion for one or more things in their life....I am using a plural form here because,  in my case itself it goes like a pretty long list of passion for music, riding, surfing and a lot. Among them music has been my great companion all these years, by standing by my side in my good as well as my bad times....How and all the love for music started inside me is really interesting.

For me the music was not only a passion of hearing, but also a deep feeling inside of expressing myself the very mood i am in to. May be because of that i possess a set of songs as mood collections itself as my own in my pc as well in the smartphone which i used to hear whenever i am down. And majority of those carry a sad theme since i love the lonely feel a lot. No wonder the song i compose few months back about my lost love also carried the very same theme. But it doesnt mean that i have specific taste in picking music. Actualy my taste are vivid in the case of hearing music. I hear soft serene instrumental as well as hard rock and trance; so its all matters with what mood i am in that time and its true that music has really helped much in that very situation a lot and so never wonder why i am in love with music a lot....

My love for music has an unseen part also in my life, the very own part in which besides from enjoying music i also used to play music, a keyboard to be in particular. I still remember how that sweet love was born in my life. It was during my schoolings that the movie Titanic was  released and like everyone, me too became a great fan of that movie and what dragged me closer to it is the very song and music of the movie. Being a person carrying a love inside unspoken to my sweet baby at that time, this romantic movie has become my dream itself those days. The song My Heart Will Go On performed by Celine Dion has become more like a song inside my heart itself and each time i hear it, i tried hard to get the lyrics clear and sing along ( Remember it was those days wen we had least access to pc itself, so no way of lyrics searching like these days which is at one touch of a click now). And it happened finally like i took a paper and wrote down the lyrics and got it corrected from my friends who too were having the love for the very song, but not as addicted as mine...

It just didnt ended up with memorizing the lyrics of the song and singing along or even recording the same on a cassette recorder, but it really seed the love of playing music also in me. With much difficulty i persuaded my dad who is not interested in letting me in to anything else other than studies, that i want to join the School of Music in my hometown. But with the help of my mom's support i was successful in doing this. From the very start of studying the music notes itself, besides my homework in performing  small sample notes which my music sir had given to practice, i always try to play the very song from Titanic, My Heart Will Go On ,without even knowing which keys are being used, but just listening to the tone produced when i press every key. It may be the love for the song that never made me feel sad ,for the more than hundred times i tried in creating the notes and everytime i failed in creating  it perfectly. But with my constant practice and the added curiosity helped me in creating the notes line by line as day passed on and i manage to complete the full song on my own and i really felt like i am on the top of the world. Really cant describe how happy i was at that time.

The days followed with my performance in keyboard everyday at home and most times the audience were my sister and mom and they were really happy by the way i played. To make the scene more lovely at an enhanced level, i had even connected my keyboard to the output of music system and gave a multiplied feel of effect for the music i play. I never lose the chance to play the same in any situation, if any relative visit to my house or even at school where i was actually not a member of the music group, but when they were in practice room, and my friend was really surprised when i played it in the big keyboard he owned. Yes, the notes i created by hearing the song again and again were so perfect that everyone who came to hear it, appreciated me a lot and some of them even wished to share the notes from me. 

But in pace of life i couldnt keep up the classes nor practicing my keyboard. May be its due to a slight uninteresting approach from my dad's part too that, he felt like i am wasting my time on  music when i was actually meant to study and build my career. In time i was forced to kill the love i have, to perform music and so had to discontinue my music classes and dedicate myself only to my studies. But life always shows it hard part and in my case too, it was no different. Because now i stand without a stable career nor a thorough knowledge in music....which is really painful....adding to the unfulfilled wishes....just another loss in my life....

Now i am no more a performer, but a good listener and sometimes so addictive too to good music; those ones which creep inside my head and makes me feel so good. May be ie why i always wish to enjoy music alone, since i am too shy to even express it in front of others. Its like i used to mock playing a keyboard in my empty table itself while enjoying the song or even perform some dance steps of my own. To be precise i have even specific songs to hear at different moods to console myself and hearing it over and over really helps me a lot....sometimes even more than the consoling words from a friend itself....

Today also i can quote this music of Titanic as the very best i have heard in my entire life.  The one which made me fall in love with music who is my lonely companion now. When James Cameroon created a love symbol as a movie itself, actually James Horner has created a music of Love itself and may be ie why it still sings inside the heart of every lover forever and ever....

This is the one i tried playing on my keyboard at that time:

PS: Before playing the video, Switch off the background music of the blog using the controls located at the bottom of this page.

Video Link - Titanic Rose Theme ( The Portrait )

I dont Need you is Just a Click Away

When come to discussion of maintaining relationships, involving serious fights in time and getting separated is common these days. It just depends on how long the matter takes to settle down and compromise or just bid bye and carry on with their own pace of life. 

The most crucial part in such a scenario is how the situation gets dragged in between them and how really both of them wants it to happen that way or just get it finalized soon. Earlier it was like the serious talks, which gradually result in a fighting scene usually happen so directly; at least they can see their faces and realize how rage and anger or is there still any hope of love, fills it as a whole which in return also helps in making a decision so clear. That an Yes or No. With the development of technology in communication media, the so called situation gradually got shifted as talks through phone for long hours. It also had an added advantage that they dont have to see their faces and so they can just throw those  hard words in to talk very easily which they found hard to express in direct talk and hence the feelings too....

It clearly shows that the technical advancements in meeting people have only helped to getting out of relation also so simple than earlier. And the latest one in this queue is the Social Networking. Its true that the social networking helps in making relations with almost anyone in this world in a matter of few seconds and the very next moment they together are on their way of living life sharing thoughts, pics , videos and almost anything. It has both positive and negative parts by doing so, since it can also result in invading the privacy of one's life, anyway i am not going deep in to it, since i feel like i am slightly deviating from my own topic itself. Ya, about relations getting broken.

When any social networking site is taken in to consideration, it almost follow the same pattern of adding friends, grouping them according to the classifications and at-last setting privacy over them, according to the priority you give them to have individual access to stuff like photos and videos you add in your profile in time. What everyone least noticed at the time of these kind of social networking sites launch is that, there is also a " Remove Friend " button located once a person got added in to your friends list. Earlier people have wondered the necessity of that button since the thoughts and feelings of people were so broad at that time and they really felt it like they wouldn't have to use it anytime . Now the situation has changed  and its sad to know that the so called 'button' which was actually questioned for its necessity earlier, has been in to use so frequently that, it really helped in one way or another to get out of relation so easy....

It helped them avoid a lot of unnecessary talks....

It virtually setup an environment so that they didnt have to submit any clarification  for why they are doing this....

It actually reduced the chances of getting back in to relation again, which in some cases direct talks have resulted, since they can read their emotions from their eyes itself while fighting and so they forgive themselves once again....

It helps in breaking a relation so easy and also letting the mess happened to know among all the other friends too in the friends list,  so that they dont have to explain it to them also....

Can we call this as an added feature?? Can we call this as an achievement?

What ever may be my question... its now very clear that...breaking relation is not that much tedious as early....

Ya..a decision of I don't need you is just a click away!!!

Death is really an Uninvited Guest, But sometimes Not !!!

Not every beautiful morning carry the same good news all the time even though we wish for it. Its not a saying which i have found from somewhere, but what i have seen and felt from my life itself. And those words which are spoken from life had always prepared me to face any unexpected situations i may come across in my life. Yes, it helped me to accept and understand things in a more practical way than earlier, though deep inside i am still the same.

It was while taking class to my newly joined students explaining the concepts of designing and all that, suddenly my colleague rushed in to my room even without notice.  Since she dont used to do the same on other days and on seeing her tensed face i could feel something wrong has happened and so leaving back the sudden disturbance she had caused to my class , i asked her what was the matter which has put her in such a situation to do so. With trembling words it really took a little more time for her to convey me the message that a former student of our institution has died..to be precise committed Suicide.

      It has not been good news to hear on that time of the day, that a student very familiar to us has passed away and that too he has ended his life all by himself. It took me few minutes to recover from the sudden shock of the news i have heard and his face keeps on flashing in front my eyes since he has left our institution hardly a month ago after the completion of the course. The news of his death was  conveyed to us only when we had called up to home to inform that the certificate of the course he has done, has been issued from the head office and is ready to collect from our institution. And the course coordinator who has put the call to his home was the first one to hear this sad news. While continuing my classes for the students i was deeply low inside, thinking why god has wished to end the life of a poor man in this way.

It was about three months before that he has joined our centre for getting specialized in civil drafting software. Being a Btech degree holder in civil stream more than ten years back itself and having an age of approximately 37 years, he was standing at that stage of life when he visited our centre that he could barely bear the hardships of his life...a person who has literally failed in every attempts to advance in life and feeling hopeless. His unstable career pursued him to stay unmarried and not having a proper job has always put pressure on him and on top of it, he was a depression patient too. What more a life can punish him during all these years other than these...

Even while during the advancement of the course, he was constantly worried about the future and was always packed up with a lot of confused thoughts. and used to discuss the same with us in our free time. To save money everyday, he used to come to our institution by walking more than 3kms in afternoon under scorching sun. He is the only person i have seen recently who don't possesses a mobile phone which is so uncommon these days. As a favour for his miserable situation, by the end of the course our manager had even arranged a job for him. Like every person he too was wishing to advance, settle in life, get married and all. But....

Thinking more about it,i am getting lost in thoughts and more confused too. But still i am making myself believe that, it may be the gods decision to end his life in such a way that, god just saved him from the sufferings he has been undergoing all these years....

Even while ending the words about him now, his dull face and wet eyes is still flashing in front of my face from which i finding hard to escape....

My Strange love for Ornamental stuff

From the time of school days itself, i was little craze about ornamental stuff like rings, bracelets, chains etc but it was not vivid and so peculiar like now coz of the lack of availability or the interest and time we spent for getting stuff like that. It was during the college days, the most beautiful time in everyone's life; the time when dreams begin to flourish and everyone will be so cautious of their appearance, and me too who was no different became so much addictive of all these stuff.

When come to matter of wearing all these, my first taste always goes for bracelet and coz of that whenever i am about to buy a new bracelet, i spend the maximum time in deciding which one should i buy, though i hardly visit more than three shops for buying it. I select the one only, when i am fully satisfied with its variety and the appeal it gives while wearing it. And coz of that, I was a frequent visitor of a shop named Fashion House which was located in town at that time, having a great collection of fancy ornaments. Now a days it is not at all a problem as we can get stuffs like this from almost any fancy shops. The habit of wearing bracelets and that too even on both hands have always invited trouble from seniors as a part of ragging, when i was doing my 1st year in college. Still it had never diminish the love i have for it and i used to be the same like always.

Among them there is a special one, which have been with me for quite a while; its a stainless steel bangle/bracelet  bought years back when i joined my engineering studies, to be precise in 2001. From the day i purchased to till today, it have been my so favorite piece that i always wore it in my hand and i never have to remove it, unless any of my friends  wish to have a closer look at it by trying it in their own hand itself. Being stainless steel and having unique mold thickness this bracelet is so rigid and i feel very comfort while wearing it; a kinda strong feeling. But unfortunately it is currently unavailable in market and the one we can get now is little slim than this and of no interest to me. Actually i had one more piece of the same bracelet earlier, but it was once borrowed by one of my friend and was never returned. It was told by him that he lost it in a party and apologized for it. I was not sad that time, but now i really wish like i should not have let him loose my stuff like this, since the one i am wearing now has became my favorite piece and so it would have been really nice, if i had that lost piece of the pair too. By wearing this for more than 9 years i have even developed a lot of sentimental attachments over it which may feels strange.


It was on a birthday 4 years back that my sister gifted me a golden bracelet. I was really happy to receive it, but the condition she put forward was that to remove my favorite one and then wear this golden bracelet. She was concerned about the wear that can occur if the golden bracelet was worn along with the stainless steel one. But for me it was purely unacceptable as the favorite one was like my companion itself. But she too was not willing to allow me wearing together. To avoid further issue, i returned the golden bracelet to her and told i will get it from her to wear on any special occasion only following her condition; though it never happened as i purposely avoided as i cant let go of my favorite one. After a period of more than an year or so, my sister too realized how much i am attached to my favorite bracelet and so i am never gonna wear the golden bracelet she gifted me , if the situation continues. So she gave the golden bracelet back to me and asked me to wear it according to my wish.

From then i have been wearing this together ie Stainless steel and golden bracelet. When ever i purchase new bracelet too in time, i used to wear it along with my favorite one.I didnt care for the wear it may cause to the golden bracelet, coz for a matter of fact i am more concern about my favourite bracelet only....



The one which have been with me all these years as a silent companion....
The one which has been with me in my good and bad times....
The one who has seen the pain i have come through all these years....
The one who has also stayed for a while in the hand of my lost love....

I cry more at night than sleep....

Years back, me too was like any other normal person....living tension free....enjoying every funny moment of life....hoping for a bright future....and above all that, thanking god for the most precious gift he has given me, my Love and the dreams of having a life with her and everything like that...i used to dream....i used to live in it....with small small hopes....small small fights.... without knowing my life was gonna shattered in to pieces after sometime....

Its been years since i have even slept well. Every night starts with thoughts of her more closely than in a day and the sweet memories of the moments we have spent together, right from the very instant i saw her for the first time, up to the painful moment she parted away from my life....

those seven years which makes the most beautiful moments in my life....

those sweet memories on which i am still living....

Those memories fills me with her nearness and i have a feeling like talking with her, sharing every happenings of the day....

every fun i came across and want to tell her....

every new stuff i saw and wished to buy for her....

every new places i visited, were i wished to have her too as my company....

every long rides i take, on which i missed her closeness....

every good news for which i wish, she should be the first person to hear from me and

every sad situations i had to face in which, i really longed for her to be by my side as support forever....

But when i am back from thoughts, i realize that i am all alone, in a closed room with my love no longer near me....and everything seems to fade away before my eyes....and a feeling of vacuum pierce my heart....with deep pain inside i close my eyes....failing to stop the tears flowing down my cheek....and i become more and more weak....slowly loosing my energy....i feel like dying....and i really wish like i die....

With closed eyes and paining neck coz of crying hard ,i wholeheartedly wish her to be around me, and console me with her presence and makes me feel that she is always with me....coz i know she too cant see me crying....

Missing her very badly....

In every moment of my life....

And sure the night would have gone and i forget to sleep like always....

PS: Only a few friends know about my state of mind and what i am going through now and how every single night of my life are getting equipped that, they may even misunderstand me for not responding to them if ever they happen to contact me or wish to have message/chat with me that time....still i wish to be alone only....in thoughts of her in my own world....

Its really nice to see a familiar face after years...

There may be a lot of persons whom we meet,  in our day to day life. Some of them may be related to us, in just a small part of our life and goes on, while some remain in our life forever. But the large portion ie the people who may be present in our life only for a short period, which includes persons of every stage of life we meet daily, especially in our childhood days or schools days can really influence the feelings we have for them.

                              Today, when i was returning from office, i reminded myself not to forget, to get food parceled for my doggie, since i dont want him to skip food just coz there was no meat. Though he used to adjust to do so with out meat, his sad face shows his feelings, which make me also sad. So i try to avoid that situation all the time by buying it in prior. When i was waiting to get the parcel, a person who was so familiar to me just enter the hotel and ordered for a parcel.  Back in to my school days it was none other than a person who has been working in my school, Murukettan. This 6'5" person has been a hero for among the students coz of the height he possessed.

    His sight drag me to the memories of school days.... the pleasant time of my life like everyone....When i am back from thoughts, i called by his name, Murukettan and introduced myself to him. He was really happy to talk with me and apologized that he couldn't recognize me at first. I consoled him that i have been studying right from 1st std to tenth std and i will be so small and it has been years back that, he could never recollect my face. I inquired about the instructors who have taught me, and how many of them are now in school and he was really happy to share all those information with me. He couldn't stop laughing when i added that he were the only highest person that time in school and he was our hero since we students were all small that time. The more he talked about school the more happy i was, cherishing my memories.

                                   After having a little more chit chat about the current happenings in school, just before leaving  he invited me whole heartedly to school and i am really happy to hear it.... felt it really as a  true welcome....and i am thinking of  visiting my school one day....

To cherish all those sweet memories again....

Feel My Heart - My Song Published!!!!

Its said like everyone will have some song of their own, which will be playing inside their heart all the time and for me its nothing other than my own composed song "Feel My Heart", which clearly explains the feelings i am going through now....as far as concerned its my blog name itself, which tells how much i am related to my lost love in every way....every moment....purely a dedication to my Lost Love....

 " Feel My Heart " is not a song which originated coz of days effort, but truly speaking, the whole song was created including the lyrics written by myself suiting to the music was all done in a matter of just 3 hours; a creation done overnight. To tell about the music it was adopted from an online game which i have been playing for about a month or so, whose background music and beats i loved a lot. Since i dont have my mic working properly for recording, its my smartphone which i used to record my voice and at the same time playing the music in computer, so that the phone picked both of them and hence got the song as the result. But it had affected the quality a lot and i didnt bother about it much since it was purely made for just my fantasy only that time.

Its been quite a while, to say precisely months itself, since i have been planning to publish my song on youtube, but couldnt make it appealing since the raw song i have in hand was recorded using a mobile and was not clear and also was little confused to put it directly or otherwise and moreover i was little hesitant to publish, since its me who sang it and i know very well how my voice sounds in it. But after settling down all these confusions and postprocesing the video for embedding the lyrics inside the video," Feel My Heart " was published on my Youtube channel ' RenjithB ' on 24th June 2010.

PS: Before playing the video, Switch off the background music of the blog using the controls located at the bottom of this page.

Video Link : Feel My Heart - Renju ( Dedicated to my Lost Love)

  

The video info on youtube channel clearly explains everything i wish to say here....

Hello Guys. Im here to share one of my crazy creation- A song!!!
This song is sung, all by myself with lyrics too written with my feelings inside, of my lost love, a way of expressing how much i miss her even now.... Music is my passion & and in time there are some which touches our heart. After playing an online game for about more than a month, i started loving the background music of it, especially the beats within it & u know what happened next? Coupled with the feelings of my lost love, i wrote the lyrics to suit this music & i tried singing it all by myself.. I know its not that much good since the voice was recorded using a mobile only with music from computer speakers along with & moreover my voice too, i know its not meant for a singer :)
Still i love this song a lot.. A way of opening my heart....a way of expressing my heart to my baby....my love...
Thanks for hearing...your comments are welcome...
Hope i didnt waste your time & bored you...
Take care...
Rgds,
Renju

Singer - Renjith;
Lyrics - Renjith;
Music - Courtesy to an online game for the background music;

PS : The very positive result which added to my happiness is that my video got more than 200 hits in youtube within just 2 days of publishing...i wish to thank all the viewers especially my friends who spend their time in viewing my video.

There is nothing more happiness, than in making a friend smile!!!

                   " Everyone is blessed with friends and only a few lucky ones will have very close friends in all stages of their life "

Its an SMS which i came across in my smartphone, few days ago. Yeah ,its true. And the most valuable part of it, is the funny time we spend with friends which is really nice and that too when he/she is going through a very beautiful time of their life. 

                          Today i paid a visit to my friend's house. I should not mention her just as a friend, but my best friend, i have in my entire life. She was my colleague, got married an year before, well settled in my hometown itself, and the most sweet thing is that she is now carrying baby of six months inside, and enjoying this beautiful moment of her life with every fun she can get engaged with. Whenever i used to go and meet her, its a habit that i used to purchase chocolates and some eatables which she is fond of, mostly masala kadala, kurkure etc. This time along with these eatables and the usual Dairy milk chocolate, i simply bought a Kinder Joy too; thought like, it would bring some surprise to her..and sure it has..

                           It was around evening when i reached her home, and as usual she was engaged with her PC, checking social networking sites, browsing funny cat videos and also playing online games which she is fond of very much. Earlier it was like she used to click every link or advertisement of funny cursors or smileys which she found attractive and always end-up with her PC getting affected with malware and i have to go there and fix it up alright. Huh, seems like she is now able to recognize them as malwares now and so less situations like that. As our usual chat proceeded for a long time, since i have been meeting her after a week , it was after little time only i realized that, i have bought things for her to eat.

              While giving  the eatables one by one to her, i deliberately showed the Kinder Joy only at last, since i want see her expression. She was really surprised to see it, since she havnt had a Kinder Joy earlier and thanked me even before opening it. When she opened it slowly, before having the chocolate in one portion of it, we both were interested in which toy they may have included inside on the other portion and all these time i could see her face ,which was really like a kid opening her birthday present with immense excitement which i really loved a lot. And to say true i still feel her as my little friend who is just 5 years old...though she is 3 years more than me itself age wise....The toy included was a typical pieces of star fish like thing which can be joined and hanged and i could see her laughing and having fun with it for few minutes....Her smile is something which made me so happy that day and i am satisfied that i could bring smile in her face during this time of her pregnancy which is really good for her health.

Yes, for seeing this beautiful smile only which is really a gift, i hardly want to miss, i present her chocolates every time we meet....

PS: Just like shown in the advertisement, Kinder Joy is able to present the excitement and fun to the people who  buy it; which reveals their success  and more than that, remaining still in market as a very unique product!!

Lost in thoughts....

I may be faking out my real life, but its true that, its the memories of my lost love which keeps my life going on and it happens with me most of the times, that i get fully involved with memories of her, to such an extent that, i just cant think of anything going around. I just keep myself away from all the social networking or messaging or even any interaction with the outside world  just to leave me alone with thoughts of her. The only exception here is that i am blogging all this now the very moment....coz don't know why, i feel like talking with her itself while doing so....

                 It has been years since i have even heard her voice, but still i can feel that voice very lively inside me, making me feel her togetherness, her presence in everything i do; right from the beginning of the day when she used to wish me and wake up, being with me all through the day sharing all the fun and sadness, till the end of the day when she used to wish me a sweet sleep and sure i slept in thoughts of her....

             There are days when i badly wish to meet her, hear her voice, spent few moments with her, make my life meaningful....a hopeless dream as of concerned now....since all decisions of parting were taken by me only and not her in the end, and it is the biggest mistake i have done in my life. Still i feel like it have helped her to live, on her own and succeed in life and also to her family as i am no longer their problem. But leaving me  back, with deep pain inside the heart, with the memories of the sweet moments we had spent in those 7 years of love as my only companion now. Still i know that its nothing more than the pain i have caused her bcoz of our parting...i dont know how to apologize....

Yes, i am lost in thoughts of her....missing her very badly more and more as time pass on....still i believe like one day she will be mine....before i leave this lonely world....

My eyes are wet while typing all these, and also the days when i miss her so badly....even then i love these days more than anything..just bcoz she still lives inside me....as my soul itself....

PS: The lyrics of the song "Stay" from "Sash" really express what i feel every moment

   

" I had a dream last night
You were there
You held my hand so tight
I thought I'd just die
Do you remember?
When we use to have
So much fun
I used to cry sometimes
Those days are gone
Did you remember? "



 
  PS: Before playing the video, Switch off the background music of the blog using the controls located at the bottom of this page.

Video Link : Sash - Stay

Its been quite a gap now..

It has been a month since i have logged in to blogger to post anything new..a month full of experiences... Moments... Situations.... May be coz of that, i hardly find any time to post. But i was using all of my social networking sites and everything else for sure during this time but in a hast. Its definitely not the lose of love for blogging, but its like , i got that much engaged with the situations going through my family that i couldn't have a peaceful mind to open and Feel my heart... Now also the situation has only slightly changed, but even then i hope like, i can be back to blogging and share my moments here the soon....coz i know its my only company while being alone....

I wanna be young....

Anti-aging is a phenomena that almost every person dreams off in their life. Just coz no one really wants to get older as time passses. A thought like that was born inside me, based only  on one reason, a slightly sad experience from the past.

"I still remember once she had told me years before that, she could not feel me as her love, just coz i was little out of shape at that time and we were meeting after a couple of months as usual. It had hurt me a lot and really took me days to recover from that shock. I dont want her feel the same way the next time she may come to see, dont know when will it happen. May be after years.... by that time, when she looks at me, I will be looking the same way as she had wished to see, but i wont be able to smile as my eyes would have been closed for ever...."

PS: Its really a good day for me, since when i checked my weight, i realized that , i has put down around 4 Kg in just two months, which adds to my happiness a lot....a feel like i am getting younger....

Its just me who remains....

Faces....a lot of them....which i have seen while passing through all my life....some familiar ....and some unfamiliar....every face had a different story to tell of their own.... some welcomed me to be a part of it....while some just shared a story and went off....But of which, a few where there, who had time for me...for hearing my story....and evoke my memories....and its that short , but beautiful time by which i live again in my world with her....

               Being in love is the most wonderful thing in this world, and its value is only realized fully when u come to loose it....no matter you blame it on fate or self or anything....its the most painful thing one can bear in his entire life....may be ie why its said like love is heartfelt....sure its true....Sharing my story have only gifted tears in the eyes of others and sympathy in their heart....may be our love is so true that, after sharing my story everyone seems to have an influence of it and just setup to make everything alright....even without knowing the story fully....without realizing that they are really helpless....I thank everyone of them for their love for me....the time they actually spent for me....the time through which they had really made me travel with her....

But in the end, i realize its just me who remains alone, accompanied by her thoughts and living in our own world....hoping for a day....which will come....when i will be the same butterfly for her....waiting with open hands....with the immense love treasured inside my heart all these years only for my baby....